Romantic Thoughts (and Second Thoughts)

 

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“Will you marry me?” Daniel asked his girlfriend.

“Might as well, we’re already living together,” she said, distracted by the people rushing past her.

They went back into the concert and he told his parents, “She said yes.”

“Well of course she did!  Now be quiet, the show is about to start,” his mom replied.

Ok, I’m exaggerating.  Maybe everyone was a little more excited than that.

But here it is, a year later, and they are no closer to getting married.  The would-be-bride hides behind her frugalness with conversations like this one.

“That’s too expensive.  Why should I pay someone $2,000 so that I can get married on the beach?  It’s the beach, for God’s sake!”

Daniel replies, “There’s a permit to reserve the gazebo and chair rental.  Someone sets up the chairs and takes them down after.”

“Let’s have the guests bring some blankets and we’ll have the ceremony real quick, so that there’s not time for anyone to call the cops on us for not having a permit.  Sheez, who needs chairs for that price!” she answers.

And yet, a year later, no wedding date has been set.

Do some people really dream of someday attaining this stunning level of (non)commitment to the mediocre?  I want more.  I want someone who is fired up about marrying me.  My preacher spoke on that in his last sermon.  We should be fired up for God.  “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!  Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!”  I’m not trying to compare myself to the Almighty, but I want some semblance of excitement in my intended, when the time comes.

I mean, just look at Sally Ann, my lovely daughter.  Just don’t look too close, ‘cause Penny will hurt you!

Joking!

But seriously, Penny is stronger than she looks.  Stand back.

Sally and Penny were engaged last July.  Sally has planned and re-planned the wedding.  She has Plan A and Plan B, and a smile on her face at the thought of getting hitched if it all falls through!

I added a Plan C, for California.  “Get married in Texas, however you please.  Then come renew your vows on the beach,” I told her.  Don’t tell the future Mrs. Daniel, but I’d happily pay $2k to see my daughter as a blushing bride on a La Jolla beach.

That’s how love should be – contagious!  Everyone should want to take part!  Originally they were going to wait until after she graduated with her undergraduate degree, but why wait?!  When it’s right, it’s right!

I don’t know whether things will work out with Daniel and his lovely lady.  After all, they may be perfectly happy fiancées  forever.  Or, they could decide to elope this weekend.

All I know is, I want what Sally and Penny have.  I want someone who shines for me.  And I want someone who lights a fire in me.

Really, it’s been too long since I’ve enjoyed a good, hot romance.  And that’s ok.  I’d rather have no romance, than a lukewarm one, any day!

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Or, as Nadia says, Happy VD!

Cheers!

Jules

P.S. Gary Mathews came to visit!  More on that in my next post.

 

Valentine’s Day Memories

 

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My Date Tonight

“Please, God, don’t let my underwear fall on the floor while I’m walking!”  I stood, smiled at my date, and turned to walk to the bathroom across the fancy restaurant.

Each step on the wooden floor moved the underwear down just a little bit.  Quarter inch here for this step, quarter inch for the next step—oh, God, would I make it to the bathroom?!  How far is it?  Another quarter inch, another step.  I turned to see if my date was looking; he wasn’t, he was checking his phone.  GREAT!  Now’s my chance!  I grabbed my underwear through my skirt and hurried the rest of the way into the bathroom.

“That’s the last time that I buy underwear on the Fredrick’s of Hollywood clearance rack!” I told myself.  “This red satin underwear with pink trim, with matching elastic garter set and bra, are not worth the stress!”

I sheepishly replied, “But it was on sale.  And it was so pretty.  How was I supposed to know that it would be half-a-size too large?”  Seeing the death glare from me in the mirror, I shut up.

“Ok, so now I need to pull this shit up, hope that it stays for the rest of the night.  Or I could take it off and stuff it in my purse.”  I looked at my purse, which was a cute little small clutch with barely enough room inside for my keys and cell phone.  Fudgesicles.

“Maybe I have a safety pin in my…purse…?” I started to say, then remembered that I only had the clutch.  In my daily, big, over-stuffed purse, I had two or three safety pins in the sewing kit.

Again, I glared at myself in the mirror.  I might have to buy myself flowers to make up for this fiasco.

I hiked up my underwear ridiculously high, held it at my waist through my skirt while trying to make it look like I just had my hand casually on my hip, and sashayed back to the table.  Smiling once more at my date, I carefully sat down, again praying that my underwear would cooperate for the rest of the date.

That was in 2008.  Thankfully, I got through the night, and was able to laugh about it later.  Much later.

Present Day

That moment when a hottie sends you a friend request on Facebook—YAY!

That moment when you realize that the hottie is just networking because he wants a job—boo!  Use LinkedIn for that, man!  Don’t get my hopes up, especially on Valentine’s weekend!

I’m playing, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” in my head.  Can you hear it?

Another song that fits well with this weekend is, “I’m a Nut.”

I’m an acorn small and round

Lying on the hard cold ground.

Someone came and stepped on me

That is why I’m cracked you see.

I’m a nut!  (knock on head and cluck tongue twice) I’m a nut! (knock knock) I’m a nut I’m a nut I’m a nut! (knock knock)

Called me up on the telephone

Just to see if I was home.

Asked me out on a little date

Picked me up at half past eight.

I’m a nut!  (knock on head and cluck tongue twice) I’m a nut! (knock knock) I’m a nut I’m a nut I’m a nut! (knock knock)

Put my arm around my waist, if I get fresh I’ll slap my face!

I’m a nut!  (knock on head and cluck tongue twice) I’m a nut! (knock knock) I’m a nut I’m a nut I’m a nut! (knock knock)

 

I asked myself what I’d most like to do this weekend.  Since my budget was seriously blown by my recent dental surgery and rodent evictions, I decided on cost efficient (read: FREE!) activities: hiking and visiting the museum.  Yesterday was hiking, today is the Dallas Museum of Art.  I spoil me!  < 3

Naughty Nadia Update

Nadia’s quote for the week, “That’s not a Chapstick in my pocket, that’s my dick.”

This gem was told to her while she was making out with her latest guy: a big bad biker man.  You don’t expect this from anyone, really, but a guy with a massive Harley and leather vest?  Well, it was a shocker.

Oh dear.

She wanted me to tell you, “May you enjoy VD while not contracting VD!”

Cheers!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

 

 

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No, I did not bring Broke Ass home – this time.

 

The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

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The Good

Miss Lilly came over on Valentine’s Day bearing gifts: Ambiance and just enough cloth to cover me.

That is, wine and holiday socks. I fed her chili while we drank and chatted with Jack.

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The Bad

Later that night, Torio, a guy from Match, asked me to text. He was an average-looking guy, but well-traveled. His profile was pretty average, too. He approached me with a message, “Comment ca va? Est-ce que tu parle francais?” This should have warned me that he’s a jerk. I mean, who busts out with a message in French before confirming that the other person speaks it? Someone who is showing off, that’s who.

He also had “CEO” in his username, another red flag. I shrugged it off; either he’s really a CEO and proud of his job, or he’s an arrogant prick. I gave him the benefit of the doubt; one year I used “Jules_engr” as my username, after all.

The 3rd red flag was that this location was listed as Chicago, IL, while his email said that he was new to Dallas. I don’t like inconsistencies like that. Scammers can use Match for one night stands or to meet a girl in every city on their business route. I decided to proceed with caution.

I messaged a few sentences in French, then switched to English. His response was purely in English (strange) and he asked me to text.

Well, it was 10 p.m. on V Day and I was tipsy, so I agreed. Here’s how that went:

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What’s the lesson here? “Stop after 2 red flags,” or “Don’t text a new guy on V Day.” Umm, maybe both!

Reggie’s analysis was, “He was looking for a hook up.”

Ah! Another guy who thinks that MATCH is an acronym for, “Meet a Totally Cheap Hooker.”

Well, he was sorely disappointed! Even after drinking, I demand respect. If he wanted to know how I kissed, he should have been a gentleman for a couple of dates.

The Beautiful

Lilly and I always have fun, whether we’re out on the town or handing out at my house. This time, it was my house. Sally texted me to let me know that she had received the V Day card I had sent her. She texted, “Happy Venereal Disease to you, too!”

Valentine’s Day and Venereal Disease are easily confused. I mean VD is VD, right? And you want to share both of them with someone special, right?

The conversation went downhill from there. Lilly and I texted selfies, Sally texted selfies back, then we got into a meme war. Lilly posted on FB, “Quick! I need hilarious memes, any topic!” Her friends came through in a BIG way. She downloaded and texted them to me, then I texted the best to Sally. Sally sent some good ones (i.e. “I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.”)

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Lilly and Jules

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Sally and Friend

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At 11 p.m. Sally sent, “LOL I need to go to bed, good night! I love you!”

YES! We won!

Then we continued to thrash her on FB as Lilly’s friends continued to upload memes. I tagged Sally and posted, “Bazinga!”

Nothing like a friendly Meme/Selfie War to celebrate the day of love. Ah, yes, Lilly ALWAYS brings the Ambiance.

Cheers!

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Russ Martin, Be My Valentine!

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Russ Martin, radio shock jock, be my Valentine!

I’ve been dating nice guys who turn out to be less than perfect, so I decided to change my method. I’m going to start with a guy who claims to be one of the most obnoxious men on earth. No offense intended, Russ; this is what attracts me to you.

What could go wrong?

Russ, Reasons That You Should Date Me: Super Model Contest and Perks of Dating Me . If I know you as well as I think I do, you’ll look at the pictures and never get to the 2nd link. That’s ok, Alfie will read it to you!

Reasons That I Should Date Russ

  1. I’ll never have to wonder where he is.  If he says that he’s at work, I’ll turn on the radio and confirm, “Yep, that’s him.”
  2. He doesn’t mind discussing his shortcomings publicly.  Meaning, if I blog about him, he’d probably just shrug and say, “I said that 5 years ago on the air!  Tell me something I don’t know!”
  3. He’s got a good job, which means he has money, so he can take me out.  {Apparently, I’ve dated more than one broke-ass guy, since this is on the list!}
  4. He has guns, a security system, and dogs, so I’ll feel safe at his house.  {I’ve never feared for my life at a boyfriend’s house before, though I have worried about my car getting stolen because of the neighborhood.}
  5. What you see is what you get.  I don’t have to worry about him crying on the phone that he’s depressed.  At least, I hope not!!
  6. Last week, he said that he requires women to take STD tests before he will sleep with them.  He takes the same test, so he must be clean.  {He did date a porn star, so it’s good to know!}
  7. He lives within 10 minutes of my house.  I didn’t stalk him, honest!  He’s made references to the location of his house on the air.  Russ, that wasn’t me peeping through your window at noon yesterday, I promise.  Unless you thought I looked cute, then…nope, still wasn’t me!
  8. He has his own mechanic garage, so I won’t have to worry about car repairs.  Bonus!!
  9. He respects officers of the law.  You may not think that this is worth listing, until you’re out on 6th street with a guy who wants to argue with the cop about whether the bikers had the right-of-way.  Ya, I expected my date to get arrested; thankfully, the police officer was nice and let us go with a warning.  I’m pretty sure that was the last time that I went out with that guy.  He was one of the Mikes.
  10. He owns a Batmobile.  How cool will it be to go out on a date in the freakin’ Batmobile?!
  11. No guessing games: I’ll know exactly how the date went, because he’ll be discussing it on the air the next day.

Russ, you should contact me, because we’d have a lot of fun together.  Imagine: Jules Strawberry, blogger and author, with local shock jock Russ Martin.  What a power couple!

Cheers!

Valentine 2015

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I love hearts, flowers, and lace.

I want a date that doesn’t require mace.

I love being In Love.

I am sick of weddings with dove(s).

Not really; I love weddings. And cake.

But make it gluten free, for goodness sake!

February 15th is Singles Awareness Day

Because someone who was single, got carried away

Hating on the lovers on this holiday

Hey, love on the half-price candy, is what I say!

I wonder what Saint Valentine

Would think of the candy, flowers, and wine

Would he preach on the sacredness of marriage?

Or plan a fancy dinner, complete with horse-drawn carriage?

Chaucer turned this holiday into a day for romance.

Leave it to a horny poet, who is trying to get into someone’s pants,

To turn a holy, pious holiday

Into an excuse to get laid.

This time of year, dates are hard to get.

Guys don’t want to drop dime on someone they just met.

So, my friends and I will drink wine

And have ourselves a good time

Allie Apple! Naughty Nadia! Mark down the day

Lilly Peach, come on! Since your man is half a world away.

Lana Lollipop, I know you have a man at home, join us anyway!

Happy Single Awareness Day! Happy VD!

Cheers!