I wish they all could be California Guys! (NOT)

LaPoussie_Wine (2)

Jack and I found some La Poussie at the store and had to text Sally to see if she’d tried any.  #LesbianJoke #Wine

 

The guys here puzzle me.  They talk to me for a little while, then ghost.  That is, they disappear without saying, “Goodbye.”  I’ve even had nice dates where the guy doesn’t contact me after.  It’s possible that their work became busy or they met someone else; but why don’t they send a simple email or text to say as much?  I’ve tried sending messages after a few days, and some guys respond, while others don’t.  Seems like this happened a bit in Texas, but not nearly as much.  How hard is it to send a simple text or message saying, “I found someone else.  Good luck!”?

Full disclosure: I dated two guys that were really nice.  They were home-bodies who liked to watch movies.  One was devoted to classic rock bands and cover bands; the other was devoted to his son.  They were so single-minded that after five minutes of conversation, we had NOTHING to talk about.  Nothing.  I asked them about hiking and sights to see around town, but they didn’t have anything to contribute.  So after two dates with the first guy (in January) and one date with the second guy (last week), I texted, “You’re a super nice guy, but we’re not a match.  Good luck!”

Both guys texted back, “Thanks, good luck to you, too!”

That’s how it should be done, people!  Don’t ghost!  Send a simple text.

Easy peezy, and no one is left asking, “WTF happened?  Did I accidentally say something offensive?  Was there spinach in my teeth?  Did they know that I secretly checked out the waiter, who had a really nice ass?”

Or maybe that’s just me.

The most recent guy that I talked to, Ray, expressed interest in me on Match.com.  Cool, he’s handsome and a year older than me, so I was interested in him as well.  We emailed a couple of times before he asked to talk to me on the phone.  Great, I’m happy to cut to the chase, especially after all the ghosts.

His text was a long one, which is odd.  It was more like an email!  The just was, “I’ve been busy…you seem really smart.  I’ll have to brush up on the Periodic Table before I meet you, haha! I’d like to talk to you on the phone.”

So I responded with a time that worked for me to talk, letting him know, “I like my schedules and lists; I’m a planner. : – )”

He replied, “So do I!  I’m a project manager : – ) I’ll send you an Outlook invite!  Lol”

Great!  So far, so good.

That conversation was in the morning.  That afternoon, he sent me a screenshot of one of my pictures on Match and said, “Looking at a few pics…this one is my favorite.”

This creeped me out a little.  First, he could click a heart on the picture to tell me that he liked it, much like clicking a thumbs up on Facebook.  Second, he now has a picture of me on his phone, and we haven’t met.  We haven’t even talked on the phone at this point.  Third, it’s a pic of me in a Supergirl costume at Comicon, which I don’t consider my best picture, so it’s an odd one to single out.

Then he texted, “Too cute.  Nice to see what you’ll do for family.”

I pondered this.  The picture’s caption is, “ComiCon Dallas, May 30, 2015.  What a great time!  I loved seeing the range of costumes.  Good times!”  My family isn’t mentioned.  He may be assuming that I went for my kids, but that’s a big assumption; I may have been there with a date.  An alternate interpretation is that he cyberstalked me and found this picture on my blog or Facebook page, both of which have pics of Jack and Ed as well.

Weird, right?

It gets worse.

That night, I ran errands and was late making dinner.  Rather than talk to him while my dinner got cold or try to talk around a mouthful of food, I asked for a raincheck on the call.  His answer was, “Of course.  I fly home tomorrow night.”  (He was out of town on business.)

Later, he texted, “Still can’t talk?  I take it you went out?”

Wow, big assumptions!  I could talk at that point; my dinner was long gone.  Since he was in a different time zone, however, I thought he’d be asleep.  No, I didn’t go out; I am quite single and looking for a guy.  If I had a date with a guy, I wouldn’t have scheduled a call with Ray.

I sighed and picked up the phone to call him.

The phone call contained the usual getting-to-know-you chit chat, plus these zingers:

  • I mentioned that my daughter was coming to visit me. He said, “I thought your daughter lived with you, and your son lived elsewhere?”
    • How did he know that I had a daughter & a son? My profile says that I have two kids, but I never specified their genders.  And up to that point in the call, I hadn’t discussed my kids at all.
  • He said that lives at the corner of X and Y street.
    • THAT’S WHERE I LIVE!!
    • Either it’s big coincidence, or he’s STALKING ME.
    • I told him that we must be neighbors; I didn’t confirm or deny that we were in the same apartment complex.
    • He may work for the NSA and be tracking my cell phone’s every move.
      • Eeek! What if he listens to my phone convos and reads my texts?!
      • If he does, he might be super bored. He’ll be sending *me* a good luck test soon!
    • He admitted to guilting me into calling. “I really wanted to talk to you,” he said.
      • On one hand, he is a manipulator.
      • On the other, he owns it.
    • “I travel Monday through Thursday. I think that’s why I’m single.  Could you handle that?”
      • Um, chip on your shoulder, much?
      • “I work Monday through Thursday, attend yoga, and play softball. I wouldn’t miss you during the week anyway,” I told him honestly.
      • “I see where I stand,” he replied huffily, then tried to laugh it off.
      • Ok then!
    • “I don’t believe in dwelling on the past,” he said, moments before asking, “Why did you get divorced?”
      • I answered, “I’d rather not discuss that, at this point. I will tell you that my divorce was final in 2001 and I am well over it.”
    • Since this was Wednesday, I asked if he wanted to meet for a drink on Friday. He countered with, “I have plans with a friend on Saturday, but I might be able to reschedule that, and meet you instead.”
      • He was finding out if I was free on Saturday.
      • He never committed to anything.
    • Later in the call, he asked if I had been to the local winery. “Sundays are fun there,” he said.
      • He was finding out if I was free on Sunday.
      • He never committed to anything.

I am a planner.  I don’t like to sit home alone on Friday and Saturday, and I don’t like to be jerked around.

On Thursday, Ray texted, “You’ve been on my mind a lot today.”

Um, ok?  What do I say to that?  “We’ve talked on the phone once and you haven’t asked me out on a date yet,” I thought.  “I’m thinking about you, too.  Wondering if I should worry about you showing up on my doorstep, stalker!”

Instead of that, I texted an answer to another comment that he’d made.

On Friday, Ray texted, “I’m staying home tonight because I’m exhausted from my travels.  My weekend opened up; let me know if you’d like to grab a drink.  I’d like that very much.”

“Well, Jerk, if you’d like that sooooo much, why don’t you ASK ME OUT ON A PROPER DATE?!” I thought.  “Show some respect!  Don’t treat me like an after-thought or a booty call.  I deserve better than that!”

I might be getting jaded and cynical.  Just a tad.

I answered, “Ok, enjoy your quiet evening at home.”

Which is just what I did.  I poured myself a glass of wine, made myself some nachos, and binge-watched “Elementary.”  I spoil me sometimes.

And *that* is why I didn’t have a date this weekend.  To all you guys who thinks that women can get laid so easily, THIS!!  If I don’t have a date, I don’t get kissed, etc.

On days like this, I call Elizabeth and she expounds on the latest sin that her husband Daniel committed and why she’s so angry at him.  Daniel is a super great guy, but (like most of us) isn’t perfect.  I let her rant, she feels better, then she says, “See?!  Aren’t you glad that you’re single?”

“Thanks, Elizabeth,” I tell her.

“You’re welcome,” she says.  “Any time.  No, really, I can bitch about Daniel any day of the week, just call back if you need to hear more.”

Cheers!

Jules Rules

  1. Do not ask a person why they got divorced in the first call. Or on the first date.  In fact, don’t ask; if they feel like confiding in you, they will.
  2. Don’t infer that a person was with family if they’re dressed as a superhero. Ok, in my case it was true, but I could’ve been there on a date!  Any Doctors in the house?  (Preferably David Tennant-era.)
  3. Ask the person out if you’re interested, to a specific place and time. Don’t feel out whether I have any plans at all, then leave me hanging.
  4. Don’t be a dick!

 

 

Signs of the Dating Apocalypse

 

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I scheduled a date for the first time in months, so of course there was a tornado.  When we rescheduled, Dallas flooded.  The fourth time that we tried to get together, he got sick.  We still haven’t been on a date.

Seriously.

Aaron and I met at school, where he worked.  We saw each other infrequently, but enough to know that we liked each other.  Since I knew that I was graduating in December and wouldn’t see him again, I flirted with him hard and emailed him my number, which he texted almost immediately.  SCORE!

We got to know each other over a week or two.  I didn’t like everything that I learned; for example, his daughter is 12.  That means teen drama, which majorly sucks.  Plus, his house was about 40 minutes from mine.  Add that to the fact that he is working a second job out of necessity, equals not the best situation.  Still, he is cute and fun and we made each other laugh.  I figured if nothing else, we could have a little fun hanging out.

So we scheduled a date.  I looked forward to it all week, but when the appointed Saturday arrived (December 19), he texted me, “I need to reschedule, because I’m a little light.”

Meaning, he’s broke.  Can I pick ‘em, or what?

I mentioned this in a previous blog (Success! And Netflix and Chill), and talked about my internal struggle over how to answer him.  Should I offer to pay?  Would that hurt his pride, set a precedent for me to always pay, or would it be simply a nice thing to do?  Ultimately, I decided to let him reschedule.  I texted back, “Ok : – (“

That night, he texted me that he regretted his decision.  “I wish we would have gone out,” he said.

Well, DUH!  Of course he did!  I’m awesome and we would have had a great time!

So we rescheduled.  And God laughed!

First He threw a tornado at us.  It was the day after Christmas.  Well, at least it wasn’t on Christmas – that would be a heck of a birthday present for Jesus.

“It’s only 6 p.m., think it’ll pass?” Aaron asked.

“I want to say yes, and I want to get together, but my gut instinct says that we better not,” I texted back.

A couple of hours and a few tornado warnings later, he texted, “Your gut was right!”

Well, fudge.  So much for getting out of the house that night.

Thankfully my neighborhood was spared.  Prayers and best wishes for the Dallas area families who were affected – Garland was hit hard.  The devastation was a powerful display of what a little wind can do.  Seriously, there are funds set up for many families that lost everything the day after Christmas.

“Let’s get together tomorrow night,” I texted.  Seriously, I wanted to hang out with this guy.  Why should a little weather stop us?

On December 27th, hail stones and heavy rains hit my house.  Sure, the hail was only nickel-sized—no baseball sized hail this time—but it still caused us to cancel the date.  The hailstones sounded like bullets hitting the house, and I’m surprised that the windows didn’t break.  The fence looked like someone had used it for target practice with a BB gun.

Well, fudgesicle!

“Do you think the rain will stop?  I mean, it’s only 5 p.m., we could get together later,” Aaron texted.

“There are flash flood warnings all over the metroplex,” I answered.  “First a tornado, then hail, now flooding?”

“If we reschedule, there may be an earthquake!  LOL,” he texted back.

I seriously thought about telling him that there wouldn’t be a fourth attempt at a date.  I mean, COME ON.  How many times do we have to try to get together before we just give up?!

Then again, as far as reasons to cancel a date, “Acts of God,” ranks right up there.  It trumps the lame excuses like, “my car wouldn’t start,” or “I had a flat tire,” or “I was in a wreck.”  It even trumps, “Grandma fell and couldn’t get up, so I had to go help her.”  Yep, we had the very best reasons for rescheduling.

So the next week I took the initiative and texted, “What are we doing on Saturday?”

“If one job doesn’t kill me, and the other doesn’t either, then whatever we do will involve alcohol and crazy talk!  Lol,” Aaron answered.

Ok, I am a person who has a lot of rules.  I know, I can be a neurotic about my list of rules.  This time I was thinking, “WTH?!  If you don’t have a time and a place, you don’t have a date.”  That’s one of the Rules.  At least, it’s one of Jules Rules; I know a few people who don’t agree (Nadia!), but that’s how I roll.

On Friday night, he texted me after I had gone to bed, “How was your day?”

The next morning (Saturday), I texted, “Pretty good, got a lot done at work.  What about you?”

He replied, “Getting sick.”

I answered, “That’s not allowed!”

He agreed.  “I’m on it!  I don’t have time for this shit.”

That was it.  No, “I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight,” or “I’d like to pick you up at 8,” or “I thought we could finally go bowling.”  That meant that we didn’t have a time or place; we didn’t officially have a date scheduled.

Double fudgesicles!!

I had given him a list of ideas for our first date, asked him out each time, and hinted that we should get together this weekend.  I mean, I asked him what we were doing; he could have easily said, “Nothing, I have to work,” or “Let’s do something another time.”  Since I had been so assertive, I decided to wait and see what happened.  I mean, if he really liked me, he should be eager to spend time with me, right?

I asked Nadia how long I should give this guy until I give up.  I mean, he should really schedule something with me before lunch, right?

She answered, “Depends on how badly you want to see him.”

She didn’t use the verb, “See.”

At 8 p.m., he texted, “I’m sickly, but I still want to see you.”

What the Fudge?!  HE WAITED ‘TIL 8 P.M.?!  Some people don’t care if you wait ‘til the last minute to holla.  Some people would have gotten ready and met him at 9 or 10 p.m.

I’m not “Some People.”

If you want to see me, schedule a date by Wednesday, with a time and place.  Confirm the date with me the day before (or I will).  If I don’t hear from you, like I didn’t hear from Aaron, I’ll make other plans.  And I did.

My plans involved pajama pants, a bottle of wine, and Netflix.  But as far as he knows, I may have been out on the town with someone exciting.  I could have received a last minute (7 p.m.) call from another boyfriend, and gone out with him instead.  I could have gotten on a jet and gone to Tahiti. Not so much, but it could have happened.

So much for Aaron.  Next!

Professor Mercury Update

After I confirmed that grades had been submitted, I emailed the Prof.  “Let me know if you want to get together for a drink.  My number is …”

He didn’t respond.

I thought that maybe he hadn’t seen the email.  I mean, it was the end of the semester, and maybe it got lost with all his other emails.  Then again, sometimes people get busy and don’t respond; maybe he saw the email, just didn’t have a chance to get back to me yet.

A month later (January 11th), I forwarded the official email from the school saying that I had graduated.  He responded with a friendly, “Congratulations!  Happy New Year.”  Great, he did receive my email.  I followed up with, “My friends and I are having happy hour on Thursday.  You’re welcome to join us.  I played a great prank on my daughter for Christmas, it’s hilarious, I’ll tell you all about it.”

Radio silence.  He didn’t respond AT ALL.  Since it was a group happy hour, he could have said, “Cool, I’ll bring my girlfriend,” if he has one.  Or he could have said, “I’m super busy right now.  Can’t get over to that side of town.  Have fun!”  Or, if he was busy but interested, he could have come back with, “I’d love to hear about your Christmas another time.  Are you free next weekend?”  But instead he chose to not respond at all?  That’s a dick move.

On the bright side, I’m over my crush.  Any guy who ignores two emails and doesn’t have the balls to respond at all, is not someone I want to date.  Ok, he’s still hot as hell, but I no longer want to date him.

Other things, however… I might want to “see” him, as Nadia puts it.

Summary

So that’s why I haven’t been on a date in months.  Acts of God: tornado, hail, flooding, and pestilence.  Add that to the rats in the attic, surgery on the 25th, etc., 2016 is off to a great start.  It can only get better from here.

Did you hear that?  Did God just laugh?  Oh shit.

Cheers!

Match. com, Continued

“Why are you single? I saw your picts. ; – )” Michael wrote.

Urgh. I hate that question. I mean, I REALLY, TRULY hate that question. I realize that he was being flirty, and it was rhetorical, but STILL I hate that question!! It’s bad enough to hear it from relatives, but from another single person on a dating website, it’s brutal.

I took the honest approach. “I’m a bad judge of character. It takes me months to realize whether a person is mean, controlling, or chronically depressed. I give people the benefit of the doubt and assume the best. So I’ve been in long relationships (including a marriage).”

Ok, looking back, I should have gone with a superficial, “Giggle! The same reason that you’re single, silly – no one else is good enough for us!”

Or maybe a cute, “Waiting for you, Handsome! *wink*”

Eh, I’m too honest for all that. I don’t want to play games, please don’t ask me to!

Did I mention that his name is Michael? Ya. He happens to be gorgeous (six-pack included), but the name puts him on the taboo list. I’ve dated at least a dozen guys named Mike. That’s my limit. I don’t care if it’s one of the most common names – I’m done. Finito.

To his credit, he came back with, “I’m not depressed or controlling. Lol.” So, he’s mean?

I tried to continue the conversation with him, but kept getting one-sentence answers. For example, I asked what he studied in college. I expected him to tell me his major and why it wasn’t right for him. Instead, he answered, “Dropped out to start my business.” Ok, there’s a good story there, I’m sure. What caused him to drop out? Did he see a need for the business or did he need the cash? Talking to this guy is like pulling teeth! Why is it so hard to have a conversation?!

M-Dallas

Oh, Please! Do not be named Mike! I said to the computer screen, referring to the cute guy that was contacting me. I was relieved when I found out that his name name is Max.

Max laid it on thick.

“Hi,” he said via chat.

“Good afternoon! What are you up to?” I asked.

“Watching TV and looking at your pictures,” he responded.

Honestly, it creeps me out a little when guys say that they’re looking at my pictures. I mean, I’m glad that they’re cute enough that you want to look at them more than once, but please don’t stare. Or tell me that you’re staring. It’s creepy. Reminds me of a stalker. Makes me think that you’re doing things while looking at my pictures. Don’t tell me that you’re thinking about me, either; we’re chatting, you pinged me, of course you’re thinking about me.

“Blush!” I typed. “I like your pictures, too.”

“I’m tastier in person,” he said.

Ew. Did he just call himself, “tasty?!” Either he thinks waaaaay too much of himself, or he’s overselling.   I enjoy a little flirting, but this was too much too soon.

“Mmmm, good. Looking forward to meeting you,” I typed. I was going for flirty, but not too flirty. Did I overdo it?

“Much tastier. I can be a bit of a flirt, lol.” He sent.

Ok, a laugh. Good. That means that he has a sense of humor and he isn’t taking this too seriously. “I’ve been known to flirt a little, too,” I answered.

“Maybe I’ll wear my halo and be good on our date. Oh, look, it just broke!” he wrote.

Cute, but still heavy on the flirting side. Could we please talk about something with substance? Let’s see, he’s a computer sales tech specializing in networks…Nope, no good conversation starters there. Hmmm. “Could you win a pun war?” I asked.

“um, I don’t know. I could try,” he typed back. A pause, then he added, “I’ll try anything once. Maybe twice. More, if it feels good.”

Oh. My. God. He just went from a pun war to something sexual. This guy only has one thing on his mind!

My son Jack walked into my study about that time and asked if I wanted to go do something. “Yes,” I said, “Yes, I do!”

Here’s another chance for Max to redeem himself, by talking about something other than sex.

“My son wants to do something. It’s too cold outside. Suggestions?” I asked.

“Movie. Mall,” Max responded. “Getting back to that halo…”

“GTG!” I typed. “My son is ready.”

I love Jack. I really do enjoy having him as an excuse—uh, roommate!

Later, Max texted me. He asked, “have a good day?”

I answered, “Yes! Watched Big Hero 6, went shopping and had dinner with the boy. It was fun : – ) How about you?”

“relaxed. I like the beach pics : )” he texted back.

I already knew that this relationship was going nowhere: he didn’t ask my son’s age or anything about him; he didn’t ask whether the movie was good; and he brought everything back to sex. So I decided to have a little fun with it, and lead him on a little. Before I did, though, I warned him, “I’m not looking for a fling.”

“Neither am I,” he texted back. Returning to the topic of the beach pictures, he texted, “I almost feel obligated to send you a shirtless pic of me, lol.”

Is this guy for real? The beach pictures that I posted were of me in a dress and hat. I didn’t post any of the bikini pictures. So he really just wanted to show off his chest and was looking for an excuse.

“I would feel obligated to admire it,” I texted back, curious. And am I glad that I did. He really was cut!

I tried to talk to him about the tattoo that he had on his shoulder. He said, “It’s a military tattoo,” and went back to flirting. “Read 50 shades?”

Wow, he’s asking me if I’ve read the soft pornography novel that reached the New Times Best Seller List, 50 Shades of Gray. I haven’t read it, but I understand that the main characters indulge in sadomasochistic behavior.   As in, bondage and domination (BDSM). Why ANYONE would bring up a specific sex scenario before meeting is beyond me. I think sexual preferences should be established after kissing, maybe even during or after sex. Talking about it before meeting is really jumping the gun; he’s assuming that we will meet and have sex. That’s a lot of assumptions, if you ask me.

So I decided to mess with this guy.

“Have you seem Nine and a Half Weeks?” It is a BDSM classic. “Wild Orchid?” Which is part two of the story and really bad, but I was making a point. “Have you read The Story of O?” Another classic, though not recommended; it goes way too far.

“No. lol. Heard of them,” he texted.

“Then maybe I can teach you a thing or two,” I said. I maybe I could, but I had no intention. As I told him, I’m not looking for a fling or a boy toy; I’m looking for a relationship.

“Tell me one of your limits and I’ll tell you one of mine,” he texted. I hesitated (I was pouring a drink), and two minutes later he added, “I’m kidding btw.”

Ah, so I found his limit! I win!

Can I please stop playing games now and go back to finding a relationship?

Cheers!

For more of my wisdom, follow me on Facebook or Instagram @jules_strawberry_rules .

Want more? Read about Jules’ worst dates; the best of ‘em!