“Date someone a point below you,” Carol said.
We were at Seaport Village in San Diego, enjoying wine and the beautiful view, in early November. Mary was beside me; Carol’s handsome lawyer husband and cute fireman brother were at her table.
I laughed. “I feel like I tried that,” I said. “I dated a series of guys who were short. One actually fell asleep and took micro-naps when there were pauses in the conversation.” I closed my eyes and pretended to nod off.
“Oh no, we don’t put up with that!” Carol said. “Unacceptable! But seriously, you need to date someone a point below you, so that they will appreciate you.”
At my next happy hour in Dallas, I brought this up to my friends. They had a lot to say on the subject, but more questions than anything else.
“Which point system?” Lana Lollipop asked. “I think of it as more of a spreadsheet: intelligence, appearance, charisma…probably more…all play a role. There’s not just one rating.”
“I think she means hotness,” I answered. “I consider myself a 6, maybe a 7. I mean, I need to lose a little weight, and I’m not tall or young. I’m working on it, but I need a serious diet and more hours working out if I’m going to get back to the 8 that I used to be.”
“But you’re so intelligent!” Elizabeth said, “You have a master’s degree. To some guys, that will matter more than whether you have an extra pound or two.”
“Punctuality means a lot to you, too,” said Lana.
“You know me so well!” I said. We talked about Bad Keith for a while. Ah, good times (not!).
We debated the meaning of the Point System for a while longer, getting nowhere.
And so, I went back to the source. “Carol, explain the Point System to me, and what you meant when you said that the guy should be a point below me,” I said.
Ok Love, the point system isn’t as easy as, “I’m and 8 he’s a 7 on a hotness scale and now we are going to be the perfect couple.” Not even close. First and foremost, you have to be very realistic with yourself before you give yourself a number. Don’t do this with your nice friends that sugar coat the world for you. Don’t let your friends excuse something that you consider important to you with a compliment on your intelligence. Elisabeth and Lana both mentioned two amazing attributes about intelligence and punctuality and if you’re going to offer those as pros, you have to be looking for someone who is also forgoing the gym and diet to be on time and smart and you have to find that sexy.
There is someone for everyone you just have to be realistic about what you want and what you’re giving. Think of it as an exchange. For example, you wouldn’t want to exchange a sports car for a minivan. Here is the fun part: with every statement like that, there are plenty of families that very much enjoy having a sports car and a minivan. There are always so many factors. For example, I’m fit, I work out at 5 a.m. a few times a week, I take care of my body. But, I personally couldn’t care less when I was single if I dated a man that was 400 lbs. and I have. I find intelligence and business sense and family values so much more important. I’m actually turned on by quick wit, confidence and amazing personalities. So, like I said, there’s someone for everyone. Just be realistic with what your giving and what you are wanting in return.
Always remember NICE ISN’T NICE!!! That is the motto I live by. I enjoy honesty and if you are looking to get better or grow as a person, telling yourself nice little lies won’t get you there. Please don’t read this to think I’m shallow or a bitch. It’s just a fact that we all are looking to attract a mate. It is a game and it’s competitive and all you’re risking by sugar coating facts is not finding a partner that you will LOVE to be with.
If you’re a mess you’re only going to attract a mess. If you KEEP attracting a certain type of man it is absolutely your fault. Something you’re doing, looking for or putting out there is drawing that to you. Like attracts like kind or total opposites and in that case, you have a different set of issues. I would be happy to discuss my opinions on opposites at a later date. I will break myself down so you can see how work my point system or more my sliding scale.
First let’s out the 5th grade girl in us and let’s write down our pros and cons list. Do this for yourself also write down one for your perfect mate. Write down everything your perfect mate would be, do, have, and achieved. Write down the things you must have and then on the other side things he can’t have, absolute deal breakers. If you hesitate or are unsure don’t write it down these have to almost be things you have strong convictions for. If you don’t have any strong feelings or convictions and your list isn’t at least 10 plus bullet points then we need to address personal issues on why you don’t have the strongest self-worth or simply you haven’t spent the time thinking about the topic. It seems nowadays so many of us worry about our weight, careers, kids, pets, whatever but we give no thought to what we want so we settle for what lands at our feet. We set goals for everything in life this is no different.
My perfect guy (also this was my match.com guide that I followed to get my husband)
1. Blue eyes (I wanted light-eyed babies)
3. 5’8-6’2 (best heights that match my height for dancing, sex…etc the shorter the better on that scale)
4. Owns his own home
5. Close to his family = good relationships
6. friends I can get along with
7. makes over a certain income
8. Masters or better degree
9. Lives in my area (don’t want to relocate)
10. spontaneous- free spirit- funny- good personality (this you have to go on a few dates to see)
11. No bad debt = good credit score
12. loves to travel
13. Wants kids
14. can get along with a variety of people – good at networking
My Cons: Absolute deal breakers these I keep to myself and check off as they come up in conversation. Don’t be quick to judge. Take your time to ask follow up questions make sure they have a chance to explain. There are always exceptions to all rules.
baby mamma drama,
lack of focus and drive or motivation,
sloppy or messy,
don’t want to talk about kids or have more.
All of these are 99% deal breakers for me. I won’t even waste my time. Most of these are fundamental personality issues or types that will simple hate life with me and I will hate them. We can be friends but that’s probably all.
Know what you want and know exactly what you won’t put up with. Do yourself the favor and don’t waste your time trying to fix anyone. No one changes we can adapt and grow but we don’t change easily so don’t bother trying. You want a project pick up a hobby.
One warning: think through what you really want in a man because you just might get it. I have always wanted a man that was close to his mother. I once ended up with the worst momma’s boy! So be very specific. Make this list super specific. If 6-pack abs and tan skin are on your list, I am sorry my dears, but you need to make sure you can keep up with that guy and you’re being realistic about wanting that. What I mean to say is have like goals and interests, don’t get caught up in looks. Looks will always fade and you and your partner can work out and get that 6 pack together if that’s really a desire of yours.
Pros: (positive things about me that I can use in my favor depending on my type.)
28 years old (at the time).
I have good education,
I know what I want,
I can be wild and fun but also enjoy quiet nights,
I’m loyal to my loved ones,
I’m 120 lbs, 5’5.
With this list for my type of guy, I’m could safely say I am an 8. Let me say this again, I am an 8 for MY type of guy. Many men might find me sexually attractive and I would rank higher with them, but those guys don’t do it for me. Also and probably more prevalent many men might find me too outspoken and opinionated so I would rank as a 4 to these types of men. Some issues really drop your score.
honest and straight forward to a fault,
I can be crass,
I have a tendency to emasculate,
I can be a bit controlling and competitive.
Also recently divorced with 2 daughters under 4 years old.
So as you can see some of these gems bring me down a point. So safely I say I am an 8.
Now here is the fun part where you start to rack up a man’s points. Let’s do this point system for my husband. (He is going to hate this!)
Pros (for me):
practices same religion,
no bad debt,
owns his own home,
owns his own business,
has similar goals,
super cute and
easy to get along with.
My guy was almost too good to be true but this is where you have to look deep and read between the lines and ask some probing questions and the first couple dates. I found out his cons (to me): He was way too attached to his mother, he still relied on his family for a lot of his support and direction, He is so nice he had a hard time standing up for himself, he knew what he wanted but lacked the push to get him there. So if you would look superficially he would be a 9 maybe 10. I mean a sexy. Partner in a large law firm, that likes me with good family, smart, fun to be with, easy going what’s not a 10 about that? Although at the beginning, I rated him as a 6.
To add to this:
• He had gone through a bad relationship.
• He had these mommy issue.
These so easily drop him to the 6 rating. Emotional baggage is most times a huge deal breaker. Good thing I am a smart girl and saw this man is perfect for me he just needed to rebuild that confidence his ex kicked out of him and let him see that his mother has been enabling him and I will have myself my own real life prince charming. I wasn’t changing him. I was just showing him that he had negative influences and once removed he raised back to an appropriate score of 9 or 10.
We always need to have a scale system in place when the bad outweighs the good RUN! Lucky for me he saw his Ex was very abusive and mother was enabling negative behaviors. So with support from friends and other family members it was easy to make him happy again.
Let me tell you my negative attributes of being bossy are attributes he enjoys: He is very passive. So we balance each other out, which is a win-win for us.
So now together as a team I feel comfortable saying I’m a 9 because he balances me out and makes me the best me. My husband appreciates my drive and how much further that has gotten us and he loves my girls so truly he should be a point higher than me but he is just a humble personality and he keeps himself at an 8, so that works. He gets the fun of chasing and being with a girl he believes to be a 9 and I get to love a man that is on a lot of girls scale a 10 but keeps himself at an 8 my diamond in the rough.
In this case, he is the same as me but because of his personality he tries very hard to always work on our relationship he is always chasing me. I enjoy being wanted makes me feel special and sexy. In return I respect him and all he does so I work equally as hard to make him feel loved and honored. It’s a balance once you find a mate. If you think you’re going to find a guy, be super happy then you get to relax. Watch out and hope no one has their eye on your man because you will lose him. If you find a catch don’t be complacent and think he can’t do better it’s always going to be a give and a take. This way you also keep the sex fun and vibrant. There are more and more girls becoming women that can easily gain interest in your man if he’s a catch give him a reason to keep you. The benefit to this is if you’re trying he will follow suit. If your man doesn’t there you have some serious relationship issues.
Ladies lets always remember this…. men need to be loved, women need to be wanted. I don’t try to be sexist and consider myself a feminist. I can with a straight face tell you “I can do anything a man can do, and sometimes 5X better,” but there are just so many things that I don’t want to do that are better left to men or women that would enjoy the task. I love my husband for what he does, how he handles life’s stresses, the man that he is, and he wants me, finds my drive sexy, fears me at times…hahaha but it keeps both of us chasing each other and trying. So, by being a 9 and marrying an 8 (in my mind a 10) he always tries to keep me happy and I love what. We meet each other’s needs. Find someone who fills your needs and then look for his needs and fill those. As a woman, it’s better to be chased then to chase. Find your balance and respect yourself.
Ok, Carol, I’ll try it your way.
Last night, I reactivated my Match.com account. Within 24 hours, I had 93 views and 17 likes. I stuck to Carol’s plan: be picky. I rejected the guys who were more than 5 years older than me (they had other flaws, too) and the guy who was 19 (still a teenager!). I thought hard about the guy who seemed ok, but a little older. After all, he was mostly awesome. But no, Carol said to set narrow standards and not to settle.
So I emailed one of the guys, and we have a date on Saturday! Yay!
If this works out, I’ll owe Carol, big time.
“I think you’re hot,” the guy from Match texted me.
Uh oh. He’s testing the waters.
“I think you’re handsome,” I responded, using a classier word than hot. “Just take it slow, ok? I’m a good girl (mostly). (Sometimes.)”
I was going for “Good Girl with a Bad Girl Side, but don’t move too fast.” How did I do? Damn it. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Urgh.
Geesh, dating is hard! Wish me luck!
Your California Dream Girl
P.S. San Diego is amazing! Check out my Instagram (@jules_strawberry_rules) or Facebook (Jules Strawberry) if you want to see more pics. ❤ I’m also on twitter, but I don’t tweet much (@JulesSberry).
P.S.S. Next time, I’ll share my lists. Again. I know, I’ve shared ‘em before, but get ready for some *updated* Jules Rules!