I wish they all could be California Guys! (NOT)

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Jack and I found some La Poussie at the store and had to text Sally to see if she’d tried any.  #LesbianJoke #Wine

 

The guys here puzzle me.  They talk to me for a little while, then ghost.  That is, they disappear without saying, “Goodbye.”  I’ve even had nice dates where the guy doesn’t contact me after.  It’s possible that their work became busy or they met someone else; but why don’t they send a simple email or text to say as much?  I’ve tried sending messages after a few days, and some guys respond, while others don’t.  Seems like this happened a bit in Texas, but not nearly as much.  How hard is it to send a simple text or message saying, “I found someone else.  Good luck!”?

Full disclosure: I dated two guys that were really nice.  They were home-bodies who liked to watch movies.  One was devoted to classic rock bands and cover bands; the other was devoted to his son.  They were so single-minded that after five minutes of conversation, we had NOTHING to talk about.  Nothing.  I asked them about hiking and sights to see around town, but they didn’t have anything to contribute.  So after two dates with the first guy (in January) and one date with the second guy (last week), I texted, “You’re a super nice guy, but we’re not a match.  Good luck!”

Both guys texted back, “Thanks, good luck to you, too!”

That’s how it should be done, people!  Don’t ghost!  Send a simple text.

Easy peezy, and no one is left asking, “WTF happened?  Did I accidentally say something offensive?  Was there spinach in my teeth?  Did they know that I secretly checked out the waiter, who had a really nice ass?”

Or maybe that’s just me.

The most recent guy that I talked to, Ray, expressed interest in me on Match.com.  Cool, he’s handsome and a year older than me, so I was interested in him as well.  We emailed a couple of times before he asked to talk to me on the phone.  Great, I’m happy to cut to the chase, especially after all the ghosts.

His text was a long one, which is odd.  It was more like an email!  The just was, “I’ve been busy…you seem really smart.  I’ll have to brush up on the Periodic Table before I meet you, haha! I’d like to talk to you on the phone.”

So I responded with a time that worked for me to talk, letting him know, “I like my schedules and lists; I’m a planner. : – )”

He replied, “So do I!  I’m a project manager : – ) I’ll send you an Outlook invite!  Lol”

Great!  So far, so good.

That conversation was in the morning.  That afternoon, he sent me a screenshot of one of my pictures on Match and said, “Looking at a few pics…this one is my favorite.”

This creeped me out a little.  First, he could click a heart on the picture to tell me that he liked it, much like clicking a thumbs up on Facebook.  Second, he now has a picture of me on his phone, and we haven’t met.  We haven’t even talked on the phone at this point.  Third, it’s a pic of me in a Supergirl costume at Comicon, which I don’t consider my best picture, so it’s an odd one to single out.

Then he texted, “Too cute.  Nice to see what you’ll do for family.”

I pondered this.  The picture’s caption is, “ComiCon Dallas, May 30, 2015.  What a great time!  I loved seeing the range of costumes.  Good times!”  My family isn’t mentioned.  He may be assuming that I went for my kids, but that’s a big assumption; I may have been there with a date.  An alternate interpretation is that he cyberstalked me and found this picture on my blog or Facebook page, both of which have pics of Jack and Ed as well.

Weird, right?

It gets worse.

That night, I ran errands and was late making dinner.  Rather than talk to him while my dinner got cold or try to talk around a mouthful of food, I asked for a raincheck on the call.  His answer was, “Of course.  I fly home tomorrow night.”  (He was out of town on business.)

Later, he texted, “Still can’t talk?  I take it you went out?”

Wow, big assumptions!  I could talk at that point; my dinner was long gone.  Since he was in a different time zone, however, I thought he’d be asleep.  No, I didn’t go out; I am quite single and looking for a guy.  If I had a date with a guy, I wouldn’t have scheduled a call with Ray.

I sighed and picked up the phone to call him.

The phone call contained the usual getting-to-know-you chit chat, plus these zingers:

  • I mentioned that my daughter was coming to visit me. He said, “I thought your daughter lived with you, and your son lived elsewhere?”
    • How did he know that I had a daughter & a son? My profile says that I have two kids, but I never specified their genders.  And up to that point in the call, I hadn’t discussed my kids at all.
  • He said that lives at the corner of X and Y street.
    • THAT’S WHERE I LIVE!!
    • Either it’s big coincidence, or he’s STALKING ME.
    • I told him that we must be neighbors; I didn’t confirm or deny that we were in the same apartment complex.
    • He may work for the NSA and be tracking my cell phone’s every move.
      • Eeek! What if he listens to my phone convos and reads my texts?!
      • If he does, he might be super bored. He’ll be sending *me* a good luck test soon!
    • He admitted to guilting me into calling. “I really wanted to talk to you,” he said.
      • On one hand, he is a manipulator.
      • On the other, he owns it.
    • “I travel Monday through Thursday. I think that’s why I’m single.  Could you handle that?”
      • Um, chip on your shoulder, much?
      • “I work Monday through Thursday, attend yoga, and play softball. I wouldn’t miss you during the week anyway,” I told him honestly.
      • “I see where I stand,” he replied huffily, then tried to laugh it off.
      • Ok then!
    • “I don’t believe in dwelling on the past,” he said, moments before asking, “Why did you get divorced?”
      • I answered, “I’d rather not discuss that, at this point. I will tell you that my divorce was final in 2001 and I am well over it.”
    • Since this was Wednesday, I asked if he wanted to meet for a drink on Friday. He countered with, “I have plans with a friend on Saturday, but I might be able to reschedule that, and meet you instead.”
      • He was finding out if I was free on Saturday.
      • He never committed to anything.
    • Later in the call, he asked if I had been to the local winery. “Sundays are fun there,” he said.
      • He was finding out if I was free on Sunday.
      • He never committed to anything.

I am a planner.  I don’t like to sit home alone on Friday and Saturday, and I don’t like to be jerked around.

On Thursday, Ray texted, “You’ve been on my mind a lot today.”

Um, ok?  What do I say to that?  “We’ve talked on the phone once and you haven’t asked me out on a date yet,” I thought.  “I’m thinking about you, too.  Wondering if I should worry about you showing up on my doorstep, stalker!”

Instead of that, I texted an answer to another comment that he’d made.

On Friday, Ray texted, “I’m staying home tonight because I’m exhausted from my travels.  My weekend opened up; let me know if you’d like to grab a drink.  I’d like that very much.”

“Well, Jerk, if you’d like that sooooo much, why don’t you ASK ME OUT ON A PROPER DATE?!” I thought.  “Show some respect!  Don’t treat me like an after-thought or a booty call.  I deserve better than that!”

I might be getting jaded and cynical.  Just a tad.

I answered, “Ok, enjoy your quiet evening at home.”

Which is just what I did.  I poured myself a glass of wine, made myself some nachos, and binge-watched “Elementary.”  I spoil me sometimes.

And *that* is why I didn’t have a date this weekend.  To all you guys who thinks that women can get laid so easily, THIS!!  If I don’t have a date, I don’t get kissed, etc.

On days like this, I call Elizabeth and she expounds on the latest sin that her husband Daniel committed and why she’s so angry at him.  Daniel is a super great guy, but (like most of us) isn’t perfect.  I let her rant, she feels better, then she says, “See?!  Aren’t you glad that you’re single?”

“Thanks, Elizabeth,” I tell her.

“You’re welcome,” she says.  “Any time.  No, really, I can bitch about Daniel any day of the week, just call back if you need to hear more.”

Cheers!

Jules Rules

  1. Do not ask a person why they got divorced in the first call. Or on the first date.  In fact, don’t ask; if they feel like confiding in you, they will.
  2. Don’t infer that a person was with family if they’re dressed as a superhero. Ok, in my case it was true, but I could’ve been there on a date!  Any Doctors in the house?  (Preferably David Tennant-era.)
  3. Ask the person out if you’re interested, to a specific place and time. Don’t feel out whether I have any plans at all, then leave me hanging.
  4. Don’t be a dick!

 

 

Sex is Just Scratching an Itch

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“Sometimes you need sex like you need to scratch an itch,” my date told me.  “I told that to my 15-year-old son.  He believes that you need to be love to have sex, and that just isn’t true.”

I choked on my wine.  “I’ll take awkward conversations for $1,000, Alex,” I said, pretending that I was on a game show.  This wasn’t a conversation that I wanted to have on a second date.

“This is awkward?  How is this awkward?” he asked. “Oh!”

The San Diego Gulls missed making a goal.  Or, rather, the goalie for Oakland was too good to let the puck through.

My date wouldn’t let the subject drop.  “It’s like scratching an itch, right?”

I took a deep breath.  I really liked this guy, up to this point.  I could agree with him, just to keep the peace.  But…I’m not a passivist; I believe in speaking my mind and he was asking for my opinion.  So I gave it to him.

“I believe that women in general, myself included, form emotional attachments easily.  I can’t do casual sex.  I tried; it’s just not for me,” I said.

There, how’s that for side-stepping the issue?

But still, he wouldn’t let it go.  “You don’t think that there are just times when you need sex?”

Wow.  He REALLY was seeking buy-in here; I just couldn’t give it to him.  “I believe that we should teach our kids to be better than us.  I would tell my kids—and have—to wait to have sex after they find someone special.”

What really bothered me about this conversation was the implications of his statement.  Consider that if I have a muscle cramp, I’ll go to a massage therapist.  If I had back aches, I might go to chiropractor.  If one considers sex to be an itch, then one might also pay a professional for a fix.  I wonder if he has frequented prostitutes; he mentioned frequent trips to Las Vegas earlier.  It’s a cheap, 45-minute plane ride from San Diego, he had said.  Of course, the two conversations may have been unrelated; but maybe not.

But, may be.

Another, more logical, thought process it to consider FWBs (friends with benefits) to be normal.  Hey, if you have one, that’s great; enjoy yourself. (Cough, NADIA!)  As I told my date, that arrangement never worked out for me; I always grew attached.

Was he gaging my reaction, to see if he could introduce me to his FWB in the future?  Wondering if I’d be cool?

“He wanted to sleep with you,” a guy friend told me.  “It’s a little sick that he used his kid to bring up the topic, but he was feeling you out to see if you’d be open to the arrangement.”

For the record, this particular guy friend is in another state and happily married, so he is not trying to get into my pants.  Or, at least, I trust his assessment as much as I trust anyone’s.

Or was my date trying to justify an affair?  He mentioned only vague reasons for his marriage ending.  Maybe when he said, “my marriage was over, so I walked away,” he meant, “We weren’t sleeping together anymore, so I found someone to scratch that itch.”

Supposition aside, it really bothered me that he’d teach his kid that.

“He’s teaching the kid the way the world works,” my friend Allie Apple said, “but, wow, some things, kids need to find out on their own.  Parents don’t need to tell kids that.  Is he trying to teach the kid how to be a player?”

I’m not sure of all his reasoning.  I only know that I disagree.  I’ll scratch your back if you ask nicely, but I have to a bit more involved with you before I scratch other things.

Next

On the way to the grocery store yesterday, I met a guy.  I live downtown now, so I walk to the store with my empty backpack and canvas bags.  I love that I don’t have to drive on the weekends. (Although I did drive earlier yesterday to hike in Torrey Pines State Park.)

A nice man said hello to me at the corner near the grocery store.  Turns out that he was going there, too, with his empty backpack.  As we chatted, we discovered how much we had in common: both engineers, both in the same industry, both writers, both interested in science fiction.  He bought me a gluten free chocolate chip muffin and we exchanged numbers.

That night, he showed me around our little corner of downtown.  He introduced me to a fabulous restaurant (Seasons 52), then showed me where Top Gun was filmed.

Y’all, I had a glass of wine in the bar where Tom Cruise sang, “You lost that lovin’ feelin’!!”

AHHHHHH!!!

The place is a small dive bar, nothing fancy, called Kansas City BBQ.  The way that my date explained it, the owner sampled different BBQ sauces in Kansas City and made his version based on the best.  I’ll have to judge another day; I was full from dinner.

As my date sat there and talked about his plans to move to LA or Canada, he’s not sure which, I soaked in the atmosphere.  Bras hung from a ceiling fan.  Ball caps from various sections of the Navy were tacked to the ceiling.  And, oh yes, there was movie memorabilia everywhere.

And, yes, my date is probably moving back to Canada.  So don’t expect a long-term romance.  I don’t like to date guys who live more than 30 minutes away; a different country would definitely be a deal breaker.

Still, it’s a fun story, right?!  He may be a famous Hollywood writer one day and pitch my book to some television execs as a mini-series.  He mentioned it, so it may happen.  I dream big.

The best part of the night was when Garth Brooks’ “Friends in Low Places” came on, over the speakers.  I shouted out, “Everybody, I’m from Texas, and we sing along to this song!”

“Go for it!” several people told me.

“Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots, and ruined your black-tie affair!” I sang.  And then I sang along with the rest of the song.  Heck, this may be the alcohol talking, but I did a damn fine job!  The bar patrons applauded after every verse.  All that karaoke finally paid off!

Later, when I recapped the evening to my friend Allie, she said with a laugh, “You Texas-up California!”

“Huh?” I asked, eloquently.

“A bunch of Californians moved to Texas, and are making it more like California,” she explained.  “They’re California-ing-up Texas.  So you are in California, bring some Texas to them, and Texas-up California.”

Took a minute for that to sink in.  “You’re saying that there are so many California transplants in Texas that it’s starting to feel like California, so I should make San Diego feel like Texas?” I asked.

“Yes!” she said.

“I can do that!” I said with a laugh.

And I will.

But don’t expect me to go around scratching itches.  I sing at the top of my lungs in little dive bars when Garth comes on, I’ll cuss like a sailor when the moment calls for it, but I’m still a lady, damn it.

Cheers!

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3 Bachelors Down, 1 Still in the Running

 

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The Hotel Del Coronado was decked with Christmas Lights

My first weekend in San Diego, I had three guys lined up, and all of them disappointed me in different ways.  Three!

The reason that I made a Match.com account was because Carol told me that I should.  She gave me precise instructions, which I’ve vowed to follow.  Carol, this is all your fault!

Bachelor #1 started out strong with an email that complimented my profile and picked a specific topic to discuss.  After two emails, he asked if he could call me, and I said yes.  We had a terrific conversation!  He asked if I’d like to go out on Saturday, and I accepted.  I like that he moved quickly; it showed real interest, like we had a connection.

But then he sent me a picture and said, “My face looks fat.  I’m not really that fat.”

I laughed, because women are usually the ones who feel insecure about their looks.  So I sent him a full-body selfie and said, “I’m just as fat as I look!”

Now, I’m not perfect, but I do believe that I look good.  I don’t usually call myself the f word (fat), but I was trying to make a point: pictures don’t lie.

He didn’t respond to my jest.  A couple of days later, on Friday, he texted, “Hi, Julie, how has your week been?”

I replied, “I’m about to start driving, can’t talk now, will text you when I get home.  Week has been good!”

Once I was home, I added, “How was your week?”

He responded, “Good.  I was going to ask you if you wanted to meet up for Happy Hour and wait out the Friday traffic.”

Huh.  Ok, nice thought, but too late.  He couldn’t have texted an hour earlier?

I replied, “Oh hey, that would’ve been great, but I’m home now.  How about tomorrow?”  As in, Saturday.  As in, the day that we said that we were going to get together.

“I’m meeting up with a friend at 4 p.m.  I was hoping it would be earlier,” he texted.

OUCH.

I read his words a couple of times, and every time it came back to, “I’ve got a date with someone else on Saturday, so could we do something before that?  You don’t rate a Saturday night date, but I’d like to meet you, in case I want to take you out some other time.  Or, you know, if the other woman doesn’t put out, I’ll definitely schedule you for next weekend.”

Ok, so maybe I read a little too much between the lines.  However, he could have (and should have!) said, “I’d love to take you out for lunch,” or, “I want to take you to this cool brunch place,” or a hundred other ways of letting me know that he really wants to see me.

Instead, he let me know that he’d fit me in, around the date that he’s really looking forward to.

I didn’t text him back.

I pinged Carol, “Can you believe he said this?!”

She answered, “San Diego guys are ducks.  Just go out at 1p.m. or tell him to fuvk off.”

I guess she doesn’t like to cuss.  I answered, “Ok then!”

Bachelor #2 innocently asked me for more pictures.  I told him, “You’ll see me soon enough,” because we had plans to meet up on Friday night.

But then, I thought about it, and a good way to make sure that you’re not being catfished is to ask for a candid, right-now photo.

Definition: Catfish – verb.  When two people meet online, and one posts another person’s pictures fraudulently, leading the other person to believe that he/she is someone he/she is not.  See Catfish the movie, Catfish the TV show, or the life story of Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o.

So the second time he asked me (after some solid conversation), I capitulated and sent a cute selfie.

“More, please!” he asked.

“Your turn!” I answered.

He sent me a quick one, and he looked exactly like his online photos.

So just to be funny, I sent him one of me from Halloween, wearing my pirate costume.  It’s an elaborate costume with head scarf and hat.  The coat, trousers, and boots cover almost every inch of my skin, except my face and hands.

“You look sexy in that pirate outfit!  Is it bad that I got turned on by the pictures you sent me?” he texted.

He texted me that at 9:38 a.m. on a week day.  He was AT WORK.

Just…no.  I don’t sext.

Definition: Sext – verb.  To send provocative and/or nude pictures to another person online via text, email, or some other means for the purpose of arousing them.  See also Cybersex, which involves Skype or another video software.

I didn’t text back.  When he texted later asking how my day was, then I texted back.

“Are you going to take me out for drinks in Little Italy?”  I asked.  San Diego is comprised of neighborhoods (which would be cities back in Texas).  Little Italy is one of the downtown areas.

“Haha, is that where you live?” the Picture King said.

“ATM,” I responded, meaning, “Yes, that’s where I live at the moment.”

“Why don’t you come up to Encinitas?” he replied.

OMG Encinitas is at least a 30-minute drive from downtown, and probably longer at 5 p.m. on Friday, which is when this convo occurred.  It was a major turnoff that he wasn’t willing to drive to come see me, and more of a turnoff that he expected *me* to drive to see him.  Why hadn’t we planned this, instead of exchanging pictures?

“Not tonight.  Just drive up to UTC and back to check out a condo; that was 45 minutes in traffic coming home,” I wrote.

“Would that be an invite for me to spend the night at your place after going for drinkings? :-P” he sent.

OMG I haven’t even MET this guy and he’s asking if he’s going to get lucky!!

“No,” was my reply.

“Okay hah no worries,” he sent.

He and Bachelor #1 tried to contact me a few times after that with, “How are you?” texts, but I didn’t answer.  Creeps.

Bachelor #3 came on strong, calling me as soon as I’d let him and telling me how it’s going to me.

“I’m a Scorpio, baby!  Let me be a man and plan the date!  You say you want to go hiking.  I say, let’s sit on the beach and drink, somewhere nice, so you can be all dressed up and not have to worry about it.  Hiking!  Ha!  I’m wearing the pants, I got this!” he said.  “We’ll go hiking another day.”

I actually laughed.  I thought it was funny that he wanted to take charge; we wouldn’t last long.  But hey, I’m all for trying new things.

Later that day, he texted me, “Send me a picture.”

Uh oh, here we go again.  So I sent him a selfie right then – very little makeup, just me and an old t-shirt.

“Oh baby you’re so beautiful.  Don’t be shy, show me the rest of you.  Give me a full body shot,” he texted.

Sigh.  Ok, here’s me in my old t and yoga pants.  Nothing too exciting.

“You have those huge tits, I love em,” he texted.

  1. Calling me beautiful is one thing, commenting on the size of my chest is another. But, this guy had been great so far, so I tried to salvage the conversation.  “Hey, take it slow!  I’m a good girl.”

“I just meant that you look fantastic,” he quickly clarified.

Ya, right.

“Now send me one of you,” I texted back.  Again, this is a good way to ensure that there is no catfishing going on.

“Now?  I just got done working out.  I’m naked,” he texted.

“LOL no, not naked!  Put some clothes on,” I replied.

About 15 minutes later, he texted, “I’m still killing it at the gym.”

Is he working out naked?  Or did he stop in the middle of the workout to text me and change clothes?

Jack told me, “He wanted to see if you’d accept naked pictures.  That’s what he wants.”

I never did get a candid photo from Bachelor #3.  I refused to text him until I did.  And so, there goes that guy.

Bachelor #4

And then there was this guy.  He sent short answers to my emails, but they were articulate and concise.  He’s handsome and a professional; everything that I wanted.  At this point, I just wanted someone who wasn’t going to ask me for naked pictures.

He asked for my phone number and we agreed on a time to chat.  Except, he got busy at work, and asked if we could meet for a drink instead.  Since I’m much better in person than on the phone (non-verbal communication is a large part of the convo for me), I agreed.

My 2nd week in San Diego, we had a great first date!  On a Monday night, nonetheless!

Even though I’m a total dork and I said this, “My friend from high school is going to be in town this weekend, so I won’t be able to hang out.  I’m letting you know this *now* because, I don’t want you to think that I’m blowing you off.”

He looked at me a little strangely, thought about it, and said, “I understand.  Thanks for telling me.”

And so my 2nd weekend in California, I had a fabulous time with my high school friend.  We visited La Jolla (the Cove and Winden Sea), Coronado Island (which is really an isthmus), and Little Italy (Farmer’s Market and Italian restaurants).  It was truly amazing!

My 3rd weekend will be spent with Bachelor #4 on Friday night and a new guy on Saturday.  Even though I’d like to believe that Bachelor #4 is the man of my dreams, I’ve got to be realistic.  And the reality is that the new guy (#5) asked me to go a play on Saturday before #4 asked me out.  Even though I’d really rather spend the time with #4, because he’s awesome.

More about him another time.  I don’t want to jinx it by saying too much!

But he really is awesome: handsome, smart, sarcastic…and he has great taste in women, because he wants to see me again!

YAY!  Thanks, Carol!

Cheers!

Jules Rules

  1. Don’t ask me for more photos.  I put 10 online and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to see me in person.
  2. Ok, you can ask for one candid.  But don’t make rude comments about my attributes!  (By which I mean my titties!)

Point System

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“Date someone a point below you,” Carol said.

We were at Seaport Village in San Diego, enjoying wine and the beautiful view, in early November.  Mary was beside me; Carol’s handsome lawyer husband and cute fireman brother were at her table.

I laughed.  “I feel like I tried that,” I said.  “I dated a series of guys who were short.  One actually fell asleep and took micro-naps when there were pauses in the conversation.”  I closed my eyes and pretended to nod off.

“Oh no, we don’t put up with that!” Carol said.  “Unacceptable!  But seriously, you need to date someone a point below you, so that they will appreciate you.”

******

At my next happy hour in Dallas, I brought this up to my friends.  They had a lot to say on the subject, but more questions than anything else.

“Which point system?” Lana Lollipop asked.  “I think of it as more of a spreadsheet: intelligence, appearance, charisma…probably more…all play a role.  There’s not just one rating.”

“I think she means hotness,” I answered.  “I consider myself a 6, maybe a 7.  I mean, I need to lose a little weight, and I’m not tall or young.  I’m working on it, but I need a serious diet and more hours working out if I’m going to get back to the 8 that I used to be.”

“But you’re so intelligent!”  Elizabeth said, “You have a master’s degree.  To some guys, that will matter more than whether you have an extra pound or two.”

“Punctuality means a lot to you, too,” said Lana.

“You know me so well!” I said.  We talked about Bad Keith for a while.  Ah, good times (not!).

We debated the meaning of the Point System for a while longer, getting nowhere.

******

And so, I went back to the source.  “Carol, explain the Point System to me, and what you meant when you said that the guy should be a point below me,” I said. 

Carol’s Explanation

Ok Love, the point system isn’t as easy as, “I’m and 8 he’s a 7 on a hotness scale and now we are going to be the perfect couple.”  Not even close.  First and foremost, you have to be very realistic with yourself before you give yourself a number. Don’t do this with your nice friends that sugar coat the world for you.  Don’t let your friends excuse something that you consider important to you with a compliment on your intelligence.  Elisabeth and Lana both mentioned two amazing attributes about intelligence and punctuality and if you’re going to offer those as pros, you have to be looking for someone who is also forgoing the gym and diet to be on time and smart and you have to find that sexy. 

There is someone for everyone you just have to be realistic about what you want and what you’re giving. Think of it as an exchange.  For example, you wouldn’t want to exchange a sports car for a minivan. Here is the fun part: with every statement like that, there are plenty of families that very much enjoy having a sports car and a minivan.  There are always so many factors.  For example, I’m fit, I work out at 5 a.m. a few times a week, I take care of my body.  But, I personally couldn’t care less when I was single if I dated a man that was 400 lbs. and I have. I find intelligence and business sense and family values so much more important. I’m actually turned on by quick wit, confidence and amazing personalities.  So, like I said, there’s someone for everyone.  Just be realistic with what your giving and what you are wanting in return.

Always remember NICE ISN’T NICE!!!  That is the motto I live by. I enjoy honesty and if you are looking to get better or grow as a person, telling yourself nice little lies won’t get you there.   Please don’t read this to think I’m shallow or a bitch.  It’s just a fact that we all are looking to attract a mate.  It is a game and it’s competitive and all you’re risking by sugar coating facts is not finding a partner that you will LOVE to be with.

If you’re a mess you’re only going to attract a mess. If you KEEP attracting a certain type of man it is absolutely your fault. Something you’re doing, looking for or putting out there is drawing that to you.   Like attracts like kind or total opposites and in that case, you have a different set of issues.  I would be happy to discuss my opinions on opposites at a later date.  I will break myself down so you can see how work my point system or more my sliding scale. 

First let’s out the 5th grade girl in us and let’s write down our pros and cons list. Do this for yourself also write down one for your perfect mate. Write down everything your perfect mate would be, do, have, and achieved. Write down the things you must have and then on the other side things he can’t have, absolute deal breakers.  If you hesitate or are unsure don’t write it down these have to almost be things you have strong convictions for. If you don’t have any strong feelings or convictions and your list isn’t at least 10 plus bullet points then we need to address personal issues on why you don’t have the strongest self-worth or simply you haven’t spent the time thinking about the topic. It seems nowadays so many of us worry about our weight, careers, kids, pets, whatever but we give no thought to what we want so we settle for what lands at our feet.  We set goals for everything in life this is no different.

My perfect guy (also this was my match.com guide that I followed to get my husband)

1.            Blue eyes (I wanted light-eyed babies)

2.            Catholic/Jewish

3.            5’8-6’2 (best heights that match my height for dancing, sex…etc the shorter the better on that scale)

4.            Owns his own home

5.            Close to his family = good relationships

6.            friends I can get along with

7.            makes over a certain income

8.            Masters or better degree

9.            Lives in my area (don’t want to relocate)

10.          spontaneous- free spirit- funny- good personality (this you have to go on a few dates to see)

11.          No bad debt = good credit score

12.          loves to travel

13.          Wants kids

14.          can get along with a variety of people – good at networking

 My Cons: Absolute deal breakers these I keep to myself and check off as they come up in conversation. Don’t be quick to judge. Take your time to ask follow up questions make sure they have a chance to explain. There are always exceptions to all rules. 

Cons:

Bad Debt,

baby mamma drama,

unstable career,

lack of focus and drive or motivation,

sloppy or messy,

don’t want to talk about kids or have more. 

All of these are 99% deal breakers for me. I won’t even waste my time. Most of these are fundamental personality issues or types that will simple hate life with me and I will hate them. We can be friends but that’s probably all. 

Know what you want and know exactly what you won’t put up with. Do yourself the favor and don’t waste your time trying to fix anyone. No one changes we can adapt and grow but we don’t change easily so don’t bother trying. You want a project pick up a hobby. 

One warning: think through what you really want in a man because you just might get it. I have always wanted a man that was close to his mother.  I once ended up with the worst momma’s boy! So be very specific.   Make this list super specific. If 6-pack abs and tan skin are on your list, I am sorry my dears, but you need to make sure you can keep up with that guy and you’re being realistic about wanting that. What I mean to say is have like goals and interests, don’t get caught up in looks. Looks will always fade and you and your partner can work out and get that 6 pack together if that’s really a desire of yours.   

Pros: (positive things about me that I can use in my favor depending on my type.)

Self Employed,

successful,

28 years old (at the time). 

I have good education,

great family,

great friends,

networking circle,

I’m focused,

I know what I want,

I can be wild and fun but also enjoy quiet nights,

I’m loyal to my loved ones,

I’m 120 lbs, 5’5.

With this list for my type of guy, I’m could safely say I am an 8. Let me say this again, I am an 8 for MY type of guy. Many men might find me sexually attractive and I would rank higher with them, but those guys don’t do it for me. Also and probably more prevalent many men might find me too outspoken and opinionated so I would rank as a 4 to these types of men.  Some issues really drop your score.

Cons:

I’m opinionated,

demanding,

honest and straight forward to a fault,

I can be crass,

I have a tendency to emasculate,

I can be a bit controlling and competitive.

Also recently divorced with 2 daughters under 4 years old. 

So as you can see some of these gems bring me down a point. So safely I say I am an 8. 

Now here is the fun part where you start to rack up a man’s points. Let’s do this point system for my husband. (He is going to hate this!)

Pros (for me):

6’2,

athletic build,

practices same religion,

Lawyer,

good family,

no bad debt,

owns his own home,

owns his own business,

has similar goals,

good family.

Sweet,

kind,

super cute and

smart,

easy to get along with.

My guy was almost too good to be true but this is where you have to look deep and read between the lines and ask some probing questions and the first couple dates.  I found out his cons (to me): He was way too attached to his mother, he still relied on his family for a lot of his support and direction, He is so nice he had a hard time standing up for himself, he knew what he wanted but lacked the push to get him there. So if you would look superficially he would be a 9 maybe 10. I mean a sexy. Partner in a large law firm, that likes me with good family, smart, fun to be with, easy going what’s not a 10 about that? Although at the beginning, I rated him as a 6.

To add to this:

             He had gone through a bad relationship.

             He had these mommy issue.

 These so easily drop him to the 6 rating. Emotional baggage is most times a huge deal breaker. Good thing I am a smart girl and saw this man is perfect for me he just needed to rebuild that confidence his ex kicked out of him and let him see that  his mother has been enabling him and I will have myself my own real life prince charming. I wasn’t changing him.  I was just showing him that he had negative influences and once removed he raised back to an appropriate score of 9 or 10.

 We always need to have a scale system in place when the bad outweighs the good RUN!  Lucky for me he saw his Ex was very abusive and mother was enabling negative behaviors. So with support from friends and other family members it was easy to make him happy again.

Let me tell you my negative attributes of being bossy are attributes he enjoys: He is very passive. So we balance each other out, which is a win-win for us.

So now together as a team I feel comfortable saying I’m a 9 because he balances me out and makes me the best me. My husband appreciates my drive and how much further that has gotten us and he loves my girls so truly he should be a point higher than me but he is just a humble personality and he keeps himself at an 8, so that works. He gets the fun of chasing and being with a girl he believes to be a 9 and I get to love a man that is on a lot of girls scale a 10 but keeps himself at an 8 my diamond in the rough. 

In this case, he is the same as me but because of his personality he tries very hard to always work on our relationship he is always chasing me. I enjoy being wanted makes me feel special and sexy.  In return I respect him and all he does so I work equally as hard to make him feel loved and honored. It’s a balance once you find a mate. If you think you’re going to find a guy, be super happy then you get to relax.  Watch out and hope no one has their eye on your man because you will lose him.  If you find a catch don’t be complacent and think he can’t do better it’s always going to be a give and a take. This way you also keep the sex fun and vibrant. There are more and more girls becoming women that can easily gain interest in your man if he’s a catch give him a reason to keep you. The benefit to this is if you’re trying he will follow suit. If your man doesn’t there you have some serious relationship issues. 

Ladies lets always remember this…. men need to be loved, women need to be wanted. I don’t try to be sexist and consider myself a feminist. I can with a straight face tell you “I can do anything a man can do, and sometimes 5X better,” but there are just so many things that I don’t want to do that are better left to men or women that would enjoy the task.   I love my husband for what he does, how he handles life’s stresses, the man that he is, and he wants me, finds my drive sexy, fears me at times…hahaha but it keeps both of us chasing each other and trying. So, by being a 9 and marrying an 8 (in my mind a 10) he always tries to keep me happy and I love what. We meet each other’s needs. Find someone who fills your needs and then look for his needs and fill those. As a woman, it’s better to be chased then to chase. Find your balance and respect yourself.

****

Ok, Carol, I’ll try it your way. 

Last night, I reactivated my Match.com account.  Within 24 hours, I had 93 views and 17 likes.  I stuck to Carol’s plan: be picky.  I rejected the guys who were more than 5 years older than me (they had other flaws, too) and the guy who was 19 (still a teenager!).  I thought hard about the guy who seemed ok, but a little older.  After all, he was mostly awesome.  But no, Carol said to set narrow standards and not to settle.

So I emailed one of the guys, and we have a date on Saturday!  Yay!

If this works out, I’ll owe Carol, big time. 

“I think you’re hot,” the guy from Match texted me.

 Uh oh.  He’s testing the waters. 

“I think you’re handsome,” I responded, using a classier word than hot.  “Just take it slow, ok?  I’m a good girl (mostly).  (Sometimes.)” 

I was going for “Good Girl with a Bad Girl Side, but don’t move too fast.”  How did I do?  Damn it.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all.  Urgh.

Geesh, dating is hard!  Wish me luck!

Cheers!

Your California Dream Girl

P.S. San Diego is amazing!  Check out my Instagram (@jules_strawberry_rules) or Facebook (Jules Strawberry) if you want to see more pics.    I’m also on twitter, but I don’t tweet much (@JulesSberry).

P.S.S. Next time, I’ll share my lists.  Again.  I know, I’ve shared ‘em before, but get ready for some *updated* Jules Rules!

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Poinsettia Tree in Little Italy

 

 

 

 

Moving Day

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Today, the movers packed up the house.  Tomorrow, they’ll put the boxes and furniture onto the van.  Then, the adventure truly begins.  Our Journey will take us to these fabulous cities:

Midland, TX – known as part of the Midland-Odessa area, which has a plethora of oil drills.  Also known as West Texas and The Middle Of No Where. We plan to visit the hotel and that’s it.

Tucson, AZ – Home to Corvus Tomatillo!  Can’t wait to see him again!  Of course, it hasn’t been long since we went to Utah together, but he’s been around the world since then.  Maybe he has some thoughts about Carol’s Rules.

San Diego, CA – Our final destination.  Jack and I will live in a condo downtown while we look for a place to buy.  It’ll be difficult, but we’ll manage.  :-D.

The decision to leave Texas was a difficult one.  I wanted to find a new job, which would challenge and interest me more than the one that I accepted just over a year ago.  I wanted to follow my passion, which is primarily worked on the West coast.

Plus, I need a change of pace.  I’ve been living in my surburban home, writing about past relationships, wondering if I’ve kissed all the frogs that I can stand.  I want to visit a new pond with new frogs.  Heck, I don’t want to just visit, I want to live there!  I’m looking for a condo downtown where I can walk to the bars and really be a part of the action.  The prices are high, so Jack and I may end up in a small two-bedroom place without much room to move.  You know what? I plan to be outside, experiencing life, kissing more frogs!

Just in case I’m sounding like a mad person (which happens more than I like to admit), I mean that I’m going to het out there again and try dating in California.  I’ll go by Carol’s Rules, because they make sense, but also because I don’t have anything to lose.

Many friends (and even aome coworkers) have promised to visit.  Something about having a condo near the ocean appeals to them.  Who can explain it?

I’m starting a Grand Adventure and I am excited!  And nerveous and OhMyGod I’m leaving Texas!  Eeeek!

Jack is pretty calm, all things considered.  He’s visited Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri.  However, he’s only ever lived in Austin and Dallas.  He’s reserving judgement until he’s had a chance to experience California firsthand.

Follow me on Facebook or Instagram for up-to-date posts on our progress.  Should be interesting.  Today, Jack explained how yellow firetrucks are the runts of the litter, and how the red paint helpa firetrucks move faster.  That’s right, firetrucks are born in litters.  You know the utility boxes by the sides of the road?  Those are firetruck eggs.

Yep, it’s gonna be a wild ride!

Cheers!

PS Love to my fabulous friends!  They werr too busy to come together for a big party, so they’ve been visiting with me one or two at a time.  These gatherings have been very precious to me.  And I get to drink wine!  Score!  ❤ ❤ ❤

PSS Kevin sent me another text, “I’m kinda drunk.”  Wow. Didn’t he get the message after my last blog about him? Apparently he should have, bc our coworkers gave him shit about it!  Oh, ya, they figured out who he was!

So my response to him this time was, “You may need rehab.  Or a new hobby.”

Cheers!

 

Blogger Recognition Award

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Happy Dance!

“OMG, that is SUCH a funny story!  You should totally write a book!” my friends used to tell me, when I’d share my latest dating debacle.

So I wrote a book.  I took the worst dates of my life, told them in you-won’t-believe-what-this-guy-did fashion, and published them.  At the end of every chapter, I added to two lists: one is “What I Want In a Guy.”  I list things like, “Not crazy,” or “Never been to jail.”

The other list contains lessons learned, like, “You can’t really know a person that you’ve only talked to on the phone and/or online,” and “If he won’t kiss you, the relationship isn’t going anywhere.”  Sure, these may sound like common sense, but they’ve all got a story behind ‘em.  And sometimes more than one story.  What can I say—I’m hardheaded sometimes!

I even sketched some of the guys with my own pencil.  Uh…that may not be a selling point.  I’m a word smith, not a visual artist.

Then I discovered that in order to sell the books, an author needs a platform.  That’s a fancy marketing way of saying that ya gotta have readers who are willing to buy your book.

So I started a blog.  This baby has been up just over a year, and I’ve reached people all over the world.  I’m on the New York Times best seller list, yet.  But I have met some interesting people and improved my writing skills.  Oh, ya, and I sold a couple of books.  BONUS!

And I discovered something marvelous: I can tell all the little stories here.  All the ones that are interesting, but not so interesting that they deserve a whole book chapter.  PLUS I can share all my lists, aka, JULES RULES!!!

The reason that I’m sharing this story now, is because it’s part of The Rules.  Not mine, but another set of rules.  Thank you to Little Monster Girl for awarding me a Blogger Recognition Award!  It’s my very first award for this blog, so it’s extra special to me!  THANK YOU!!

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Here are The Rules:

  1. Write a post explaining why you started blogging along with a few tips.
  2. Nominate some of your fellow bloggers.
  3. Comment on their blogs to let them know that you’ve nominated them.

KS Beth is my first nominee.  She brings joy with her clever poems and pretty pictures.

Carrie of the Shires is my second nominee.  She is struggling with dating—something with which I can really sympathize!

Ben Bitter is my third nominee.  He has a dry sense of humor and a skill with gifs and video.  His multi-media blogs fascinate me.  Seriously, Ben, ya gotta give me some pointers!  Not on the bitter stuff; I have enough sarcastic snark on my own 😉

As for the tips, here are some guidelines.  Heck, let’s call ‘em Jules Rules for Bloggers (even though they’re just suggestions).

Jules Rules for Bloggers

  1. Find a theme and stick with it. For me, it’s dating and my life.  I stay away from politics (that’s “poly” for many and “tics” as in blood-sucking insects = sure to make lot of people angry), religion, and hard core pornography.
  2. Start in the middle of the action. I’ve stayed up many a late night because the next chapter of the book started with an interesting sentence and just drew me in.  I had to know what happened next!  You need to do the same with your readers.  “It was a dark and stormy night…” No, wait, Snoopy used that one.  See above for an example; it drew you in, didn’t it?  😉
  3. When you don’t know how to wrap up a blog post, circle back to the beginning. For example…

Speaking of my book, Jules Rules: The Best Worst Dates of My Life, it’s available for sale on Amazon.  Do you know someone who likes chick lit?  Someone who loves to laugh?  Someone who is terminally single and will relate waaaaay too much to my bad dates?  The book would make the perfect present for all three people!  And if it’s the same person, she/he will REALLY dig this book!  Hey, Christmas, Hanukkah, and various other winter holidays/religious celebrations are coming up soon.  You have just enough time to order one for everyone on your list!

Thanks again to LMG!  Love ya, Jen!  ❤

Cheers!

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Dating Doug

“I think it’s great that you have a blog,” Doug said.  “You’re so open.  No filters.  I got to see the world through your eyes.  Even if I asked you to tell me, or asked to write it down, you would’ve written it differently because you would have known it was for me.”

I was a little shocked.  This was the best, nicest thing that he could have said.  “How did you find it?”  I asked.

“It’s on your Google+ account.  I was playing with Skype a couple of nights ago, trying to figure out how to invite friends.  I brought up your profile, and it was attached to that.  So I figured it was public, and you wanted me to find it,” he said.

“No, I never use Google+, so I forgot it was on there,” I said honestly.

“I have a blog, too,” Doug said.

Wow, cool!  He could really relate!

We continued the conversation for over an hour, and I liked Doug a lot more at the end.  So much so, that I invited him over to my house the next night (Thursday, last night).  We hung out and talked, were interrupted by a well-intentioned Jack, and then kissed good night.  It was a sweet date.  If odd; he was at my house for the very first time, and all he could comment on, was the color of the walls, whether or not it was flat paint, and how the couch looked new.

Most people compliment the art or tell me how nice the house is.  He’s the first one to study the paint on the walls.

Doug didn’t send me a link to his blog.  Instead, he waited for me to ask, and then told me the key words to find it.  When I did, I read this:

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Well, that’s interesting.  He basically called me a hypocrite by saying that I was late to our first date.  Thing is, I wasn’t.  I was on time, as evidenced by the text message that I sent him after wondering around for a few minutes looking for him.  I sent, “Marco!” expecting him to text back, “Polo!”  Instead, he found me.  We went to Chili’s afterward.

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When I sent him the above screenshot, he said that he’d print a retraction.

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I wish that I had proof that his other statements were bald face lies, too.  We were sitting in the movie theater when we were talking about softball—no one was “walking too fast.”  I’d like to think that he mis-remembered what happened or that he didn’t know he was saying an untruth; but he could have looked up the time of my arrival at our first date as easily as I did, since he has the same message thread.  And he called on his readers to heckle me on my blog.  Gee, wasn’t that nice of him.

FYI, I don’t mind posting his picture, since he has his real name and pictures on his blog.  I choose to continue using his nickname, and will not be posting a link to his blog.

I’m taking a break from dating for a while.  I deactivated my Match account thinking I’d hang with Doug for a while.  Obviously, that’s less appealing now.

Nadia can post for a while.  Her Tinder dates are definitely entertaining.  Warning: some will be NSFW!

Cheers!