Halloween Tips by NN

Witchy Woman, 2007

Witchy Woman, 2007

  1. Just ‘cause you’re dressed like a ho, and he’s dressed like a pimp, doesn’t mean that you were made for each other. PLENTY of pimps and hos fight.  I learned that from TV crime shows.
  2. That guy that looks GREAT in the steam punk outfit, looks great because his girlfriend sewed his costume.
  3. It’s the guy who has the cheesiest, least-amount-of-effort costume that you want to go for. The guy in the unicorn mask and street clothes?  Probably a bachelor who borrowed the mask from his sister at the last minute.  The guy wrapped in tin foil with the handwritten label, “Leftovers?”  Definitely a bachelor.  Unless there’s a woman nearby dressed as a microwave.  That may be where he’s putting his sausage to warm it up.
  4. If a guy is dressed as a Rastafarian, tie-dyed Hippie, or anything having to do with 420, then he might be a pot head.
  5. Some people might not be wearing costumes. Just keep that in mind before you tease the biker about his body odor, or tell the tramp in the low cut dress and too much makeup that she’s too slutty.  I’m not saying that I learned that from experience, I’m just throwing it out there.
  6. If you dress as a Marvel superhero, except some grief from the DC camp. Or vice versa.  For the non-nerds out there: if you dress as Superman, then you might have someone get in your face and tell you why Batman could kick your ass.  Jules learned this lesson at ComiCon Speed Dating.  For realz!
  7. If he’s dressed in anything from Star Trek, DO NOT—I repeat, DO NOT—ask him, “Hey, which Star Wars character are you?” You will get an hour’s long lecture over the difference between Trek and Wars.  Geesh, I was joking!  (as far as you know)
  8. If you see a guy dressed as Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader, feel free to ask, “Who’s your daddy?” That joke never gets old.  (Jules added this one.  Not sure what it means, but she was giggling while she typed it, so it must be one of those nerd things.)
  9. Don’t have sex with a guy in a mask, just for the thrill of it. He might be your neighbor or bank teller.  Or your neighbor, who happens to be a bank teller.  Ya, let’s not talk about it.  I can’t visit the bank or go to the mailbox without him putting his hands up like a mask and asking me, “Is it Halloween yet?”
  10. Candy bars are for eating, not inserting.  It’s helluva hard to get chocolate outta certain places.  No matter how much you lick! ; – )

I’m Naughty Nadia, filling in for Jules while she takes a dating hiatus.  I don’t pull any punches: I tell it like it is.  Happy Halloween!  Have fun and stay safe!!

Pass the whiskey!!