After exhaustive (and exhausting!) research, I have found the secret formula to answer the question: How Long Does It Take To Get Over a Breakup? Like a true engineer, I wrote an equation to combine the variables. See below for a detailed explanation of what each letter represents. Don’t be intimidated by the math, ladies, I’ll walk you through it with a couple of examples.
Gentle. “It’s not you, it’s me.” (0.5)
Typical. “We just don’t click.” Or “We’re just growing in different directions.” There’s some implication that you might be the cause, but he doesn’t come right out and say it. The coward! Man up and tell it like it is! (1)
Mean. “You’re a slut.” Ya, that hurts. It’s gonna take longer to get over this one. (2)
Best way possible. He explained why you’re better off as friends. After a long heart-to-heart, you agreed. Deep down, you felt the same way, but didn’t want to come out and say it. (NA – This scenario does not exist! Keep dreaming!)
R = Length of the Relationship
Too long. If you’ve been bitchin’ about your man for a while, don’t sweat it. It was time for him to go! (-1)
One night stand. Um, this isn’t a breakup because it was never a relationship. Put your party dress back on, and move on. (0)
One month to one year. Breaking up is never easy, but with each month I get more hopeful that it will last, so I’m more devastated when it doesn’t. (Round up to the number of months: 1 to 12)
Over 12 months but less than 2 years. It’s hard no matter where you are in this time range. You’re expecting a ring, planning a wedding, secure in your couple-ness. Then BAM! You breakup. This is going to take some time to get over. Well, maybe; depends on the rest of the variables. (15)
7 years. You’ve got the 7-year-itch! Laugh it off, cupcake, you’re a cliché! (5)
8 years or more. Use the number of years. Yes, 8 years I equal to 8 months; we’re very vulnerable when we’ve been in a relationship less than a year. Past the 7-year-itch, we’re not as emotional. We’re also usually older and less emotional. (8+)
E=Dumper or Dumpee. Yes, it matters. Anyone who tells you that it doesn’t, is an idiot.
Dumper. You just halved your time in Dumpsville, congratulations! (0.5)
Dumpee. What can I say? This isn’t going to be easy. Hang in there. (2)
A=Asshole Factor (aka Anger Factor). Which one describes how you feel?
Crying like a baby. Aw, hell, this is gonna take a while. (2)
In shock. You may want to come back later and recalculate. Right now, use (1)
He’s an f*g bastard. Good, you’ll get over this quicker. (1)
He’s Satan’s spawn and I want him to die. Well, that may be taking it a bit far. Don’t do anything to get yourself put in jail. I repeat, put down the gun/knife/sharp object. (.5)
K = Quality of the relationship
Roommates. You were friends, but not sleeping together, or hadn’t had sex in a while. (1)
Soulmates. How could he do this to you?! You were meant to be together! Matching tattoos, shared past life, and everything considered, how could it be over?! (10)
Somewhere in between. Regular sex, friends, but not crazy into each other. (5)
He pissed you off daily. There may have been some screaming, and someone may have punched a hole in the wall. That vase didn’t break itself, ya know. (.5) (In case no one else said it, you’re better off without him. You needed outta that toxic environment. Just ask Rihanna.)
You just knew something was up. The bastard was acting shifty. (0.5)
Didn’t see it coming, but looking back, makes sense. There were clues. Doesn’t make it easy, but it helps a little. (2)
Completely blind-sided. Thought everything was great. Aw, I just want to hug you! Poor, clueless, completely out-of-it girl! (10)
Multiple orgasms every time and/or sex multiple times a day and/or long, sensual love sessions (2 and give him my number)
Usually orgasmed. Sex was good, not great. (1)
Never orgasmed. Girl, why were you with this guy?! (0)
You’d rather go to karaoke on amateur night and listen to an Elvis impersonator sing “Suspicious Minds” then have sex with that man. Seriously. You once called your mother, knowing that she’d talk for hours, praying that he’d be asleep when you finally got off the phone. (-1)
N= Number of times y’all broke up, including this one. Be truthful! Seriously, it gets easier each time. Rascal Flatts even wrote a song about it, “I feel bad, that I don’t feel bad.” Y’all, if you broke up that many times, keep going and don’t look back. (1+)
H=Number of drunken happy hours (aka Wine Therapy) sessions attended.
1-49: Oh, sorry to hear that he dumped you. Here, have a glass of wine and tell me all about it. (Use the number of sessions)
50: Woot! You sound like a fun girlfriend. Call me, we’ll do happy hour! (0. Who cares about whats-his-name anyway?!)
51+: See professional help. You may be an alcoholic. (NA – you’ve got bigger problems, sister!)
Yes, you lived with him. You didn’t just have a drawer at his place, but seriously, his address is listed on your driver’s license (or vice versa). (6 months)
No, you had your own place. (0)
D=Death, incarceration, flight to Mars or other traumatic event caused the breakup. (6 months)
Example 1. Costa Rica Guy.
B = 1. I told him that I didn’t have fun in Costa Rica, but I wasn’t mean about it. I kept it short and sweet.
R = 9. We were together about 9 months.
E = 0.5. I dumped him.
A = 1. Face it, he was mean to me, and I was pissed. Makes it easier for me to move on.
K = 5. We were somewhere in between roommates and more.
U = 0.5. I broke up with him, so of course I knew that it was coming.
P = 1.
N = 2. Honestly, I tried to break up with him once before. But I went back to him, thinking that he’d be nicer in Costa Rica, far away from his family. HA!
H = hmmmm. By *now*, I’ve had plenty of wine. But let’s use 2 here, and estimate from the week of the break up.
C = 0. I hadn’t moved into my house yet, Thank God! He was supposed to move in with me, 3 months later.
D = 0. Nope, not any of those crazy things.
So, the equation becomes T = (1*9*0.5*1*5*1*5*0.5*1)(1 week)/(2*2) +0 +0 = 14 weeks
That’s about 3 months, and is about the amount of time it took me to stop thinking about him daily.
So if you’re wondering how long it might take you to get over your breakup, do the math.
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