“In order to get OVER someone, you need to get UNDER someone else!” Dr. Cassandra Cantelope told me. She giggled, almost spilling her wine onto my couch. “Doctor’s orders!”
“OhmyGod we should make a list of all the guys that she’s going to sleep with!” Patty piped in.
“Um, I’m not going to sleep around,” I told them. “I just broke up with Mike two weeks ago. We were together for two years. I need some time to be alone.” This was July 2012 and we were at my place on a Saturday night.
“No, no, no, NO!” Megan said, wagging her finger at me. “It’s your BIRTHDAY! You should be CELEBRATING! Not moping around for some man who isn’t worth your time.”
“That’s right, girl! You said it!” Annalisa agreed.
“Now, who have you been eyeing? Come on, spill!” Cassandra ordered.
I smiled. “You’re right,” I said, warming up to the idea. I did need to move on. “I’ve spent enough nights alone feeling sorry for myself, which is part of the reason that I had to break up with the guy. A person shouldn’t feel alone when they’re in a relationship.”
“Ya!” Megan said, cheering me on.
“So, give us a name!” Cassandra encouraged.
“There is this one cute guy at work,” I said.
“Oh, no, not someone from work,” Theresa told me.
“Absolutely someone from work! Meaningless sex. Then move on. Don’t get attached, just go to the next name on the list,” the doctor decreed.
I laughed. “That soooo isn’t my style!” I said. “I’m a serial monogamist. I don’t do one night stands and I don’t guys from work.” A tinge of honesty prompted me to add, “Any more. I met Mike from work, and he’s the last one!”
We giggled and poured more wine. By the time the night was through, Cassandra had pulled several names out of me. These were guys that I had noticed in passing, that were single, and had potential. When I got to one name in particular, Annalisa sat up straight.
“Oh, no, Honey! You don’t really mean Tom Garcia!” she said. “He plays all sweet and innocent, but he has a different girl in his bed every single night! Seriously! Get this—he bought a cat for his daughter, which he keeps in the living room. He’s allergic so the cat isn’t allowed in his bedroom. He’ll get a girl drunk, she’ll say that she’s allergic to cats, and he’ll offer to let her share his bed. And you know he doesn’t mean to sleep!”
“Wow!” I said, while the others laughed. “I am not looking forward to dating again!”
Dr. Cassandra was determined to fill my calendar. “Now, don’t go home with any of these guys. They might have a webcam set up to film you. So don’t go to their house—ever. Instead, bring them back here. We’ll set up our own webcam.”
I laughed, hoping that she was joking.
“No, seriously! Webcams are real things. You might not even know that they’re there. So bring ‘em here, then afterward, call me and tell me how good they were,” Cassandra told me.
“You want ratings,” I said, staring at her.
“Oh yes! Now, we can have several categories, from Energetic to Technique,” Cassandra said.
I wasn’t sure how serious that she was. I could only hope that she was joking.
Megan added, “And duration! You don’t want a guy who is going to finish before you.”
Nods and agreement all around.
Nadia added, “And physique. That should be a criterium as well.”
As the night went on, our list grew. If only we had written down the list! Oh, well, it’s probably for the best. I didn’t date any of the guys that we listed. Annalisa set me up with a guy who was fun for a little while (2 or 3 dates). Megan spent a drunk night with Tom, and was very disappointed in the duration and physique categories. I was glad that I had avoided that; he and I are still friends, and I’d like to keep it that way.
Fast forward to last week.
“You know how I’ve been talking to that guy online?” Allie asked me.
“The one in the pictures that you showed me? Ya, he’s cute! I’d date him!” I said. Which is surprising, because Allie and I are usually attracted to different guys. I gravitate toward skinny, nerdy guys, while she’s more into cowboys or soldiers.
“I met him last night,” she said.
“Oh, that’s right! You met him for margaritas and Mexican food, right?” I said, all excited for her.
“Yep. Well, he shows up in a bowling shirt. You know, like Charlie Sheen wears on Two and a Half Men? Well, I hate that style. Yuck.”
“Oh, no!” I said. “Surely there’s more than that. You wouldn’t reject a man just for bad fashion sense,” I said.
“Oh there’s more! The first words out of his mouth were in a feminine voice. I was all like, ‘Please, don’t let that be your real voice!’ We never talked on the phone, we just texted, you know? Well, thank God he was just being sarcastic.”
I shuddered. “STILL! For those to be the first words out of his mouth, and the first time that you hear his voice—urgh! Not a good first impression!” I said.
“Right! Completely turned me off. And he wasn’t as cute as his pictures, either. I could tell that it was him, so those pictures were him, but from his best angle. You know? Like, his face is more flat viewed from the front. His features aren’t as pronounced in real life.”
“Oh, so sorry to hear that! After all that time spent texting him, too. You must be disappointed.”
She nodded. “Ya, but we’re going to be friends. He’ll be someone to shoot pool with, anyway.”
That’s like a consolation prize: someone to get you out of the house. Better luck next time, Allie!
“You will not believe what I did,” Nadia told me.
“What? You signed up for online dating?” I guessed.
“YES! Not only that, I have 5 dates lined up in the next week!” she said. “When I’m on the rebound, honey, I’m on the rebound! I do this shit right!”
“You go girl!” I told her.
“I feel like such a ho!” she said, laughing.
“Naw,” I said, “You’re only a ho if sleep with all 5. I know you, you’re not going to do that.”
So over the next blog or more, I’ll be following Nadia’s adventures. Let’s hope she has more luck than Allie!
And though I don’t necessarily believe it, I shared the doctor’s advice with Nadia. “My friend the pediatrician told me, ‘In order to get OVER someone, you need to get UNDER someone else!’ So, you do what you’ve gotta do!”
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