24 Ways to Ruin a Romantic Vacation

Costa Rica, a handsome man, and perfect weather = the perfect vacation, right? Wrong! This time last year, I was stuck in a foreign country on an extended date from hell. To stay sane (because I couldn’t afford to fly home early), I wrote this list. I had planned to stop at 10. Then I tried to whittle it down to 10. But which ones should I delete?

  1. Every time that she mentions how beautiful everything is, remind her, “You get to pay for the next vacation.”
  2. Sure she bought the shampoo, suntan lotion, etc.  When she asks about the bug spray—the one item that she asked you to pick up—tell her you were busy.  Bugs never bite you anyway.  Laugh when she gets 11 mosquito bites on the first day.
  3. When she shares a beautiful dream that touched her soul and brought her peace, tell her, “You’ve got daddy issues.”
  4. When she tries on her bikini, bring up her age to encourage her to go back to the tankini, which covers as much as a one-piece.
  5. Act bored with every conversation that she starts, then get excited about the new monster in your video game, “Plants Versus Zombies.”
  6. When looking at tour excursions, tell her that she can pay for her half.
  7. The last night of vacation, insist on watching TV.  Who cares if she wants to stay in the bar and listen to live music?
  8. On a potentially romantic walk along the beach, refuse to hold her sweaty hand.  Make fun of the way she drew her heart so close to the water’s edge that it got washed away.
  9. As you’re packing to go home, don’t talk about what a great time you had.  Instead, make it clear that you’re sleeping in your own bed that night.  Roll your eyes when she flirtatiously suggests that she join you.
  10. After #9, start planning a date with your best buddy to go see a movie that she expressed interest in.  Then say, “Unless I have to go see it with you.”
  11. When she gets good news and is really happy for the first time in months, ask her what happens if things go wrong.  ‘Cause they could, you know, go wrong.  They might not, but they could.
  12. Disappear for hours.  Blow off dinner reservations and let your girlfriend worry.  Show up with scrapes, sunburn, and dripping water from an evening swim in the ocean.  Complain about your mysteriously sprained wrist and brag about the 7-8 shots of tequila that you drank after the margarita and fire water.  Pass out by 7:30 p.m.  Who cares if she’s hungry and pissed?  You had a good time.  You guess.  You can’t remember the last 5 hours – or a block of 12 hours, by the time day breaks.  Who said that 30-year-old men can’t party like frat boys?
  13. Alternatively piss her off and bore her.  See above for details.
  14. At dinner on the last day of vacation, look across the candlelit table at your beautiful companion and whisper, “You’re paying for the next vacation.”
  15. Instead of pointing out her beauty or good features, point out every bug bite, bruise, and flaw in her complexion.  Let her know that you don’t like her dress.  Anyone can complement, so just be brutally harsh.
  16. Sleep in when she gets up early to exercise.  When she returns and congratulates herself on a hard workout, express doubt.  “You were only gone an hour and a half.  You worked out and had breakfast?  Really?  Come on.”
  17. Never apologize for anything, ever.  Bitch’ll get over it.
  18. “You’re moving on September 14?  I’ve got friends visiting from out of town that weekend.”  When she looks shocked, or hurt, or whatever that look means, tell her, “I wouldn’t have helped you anyway.”  Remind her that you haven’t helped her pack, either.  After all, you don’t like to break a sweat, and she knows that.
  19. Mention that you’d like to get married, but be vague.  “After we move in together.”  That’ll keep her on the hook, without making a firm commitment.  After all, that strategy has worked for your brother for the past 12 years.
  20. Bring up a topic which makes you seem vulnerable and sensitive, then refuse to talk about it.   “Love Addition—that book on the television—I read that.  Really hit home.  No, I don’t want to talk about it – let’s change the subject.”
  21. Teach her a card game that you’ve aced.  Beat her at so many hands that she’d ready to give up.  When she starts learning the rules and beating you, smile a mysterious smile which says, “I let you win so that you wouldn’t quit.  I’m so much better than you, Honey.”
  22. Don’t say “I love you,” unless she says it first.  And then, only occasionally.  When she complains, tell her, “You want me to just parrot it back?  I’m not a bird.”
  23. When she tries to rest her head on your shoulder to sleep on the plane home, explain that your shoulder jerks uncontrollably.  But only when someone’s head is on it.
  24. Remind her (again) that she’s paying for the next vacation.  Never mind that this one was free with your airline and hotel points.  Pick someplace really expensive for next year, like Japan or Hawaii.  Better yet, put both on the list, along with Italy.  She owes you, big time.



17 thoughts on “24 Ways to Ruin a Romantic Vacation

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  2. Wow. I mean, really, wow. This sounds truly awful. Wasn’t any of this guy’s true self evident before the vacation? Were there signals that you had missed?

    Liked by 1 person

    • He was the shy silent type. I read too much into the silence and thought he was a sweet guy. When we started dating, his family was always around, and I thought that they brought out the worst in him. Nope, he’s an asshole all by himself.

      Good riddance! And this is why I drink; -)



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